While We Are in the Mood to Confess...

Did you see the BIG MAJOR NEWS event last night?  Oprah, the Jerry Springer of celebrity interview journalism, sat down with Lance Armstrong and discovered that yes, indeed, a world class cyclist took performance enhancing drugs!?!? WHAT?!?! The Earth shook; my bowels moved.  Only one of these things normally happen during a typical evening. 

Of course, Lance was the last one in on it.  Everyone else in the world - cycling, baseball, Vernon Gholston, whatever - already reconciled that PED's were everywhere and everyone was using them.  I'm glad he got the opportunity to catch up with common knowledge.

You juxtapose the interview, where a seemingly contrite Armstrong seems to be fully admitting his involvement, versus the Manti Te'o dead girlfriend hoax where, allegedly, "someone" still just might not be telling the whole truth and nothing but.  (Your stock is dropping Manti with every fib.  Do yourself a favor and save millions.)

In the spirit of these current (and soon to be) confessions, a lot of folks (and inanimate objects) are taking the opportunity to confess under the protection of Armstrong's more newsworthy announcement.  Heck, I'm going to take advantage of the spitirt of the moment and come clean myself.  I've compiled a list here:

• The sky is not blue.  It has to do with the atmosphere and how light scattering makes the sky look blue.  The sky would like to apologize for the confusion.
• Cap'n Crunch hasn't done a single crunch his entire life.  That's why he wears the big coat.
• Pop singer by day; talk show host by night.  Now's the time JB.
• The Delorean never needed a flux capacitor.  There's no such thing.  It didn't work.  It was just lights and blinky parts.  Doc Brown and Marty McFly send their regrets.
• I took a drug cocktail of laxatives, Tylenol, salt tabs, potassium, and, post-race, Advil in the week leading up to and during the 2006 Chicago Marathon.  I finished 5,532nd and would probably have done no better than 5,857th without it.  To those 325 people that I defrauded, I apologize.
• Orphans.  They know where their parents are.
• Carly Rae Jepsen doesn't want you to call. Definitely.
• The NRA hated The Expendables 2. 
• OJ's glove did fit.  We shouldn't have acquitted. /ReverseCochran'd

It's never easy to confess but it sure does feel liberating.  Almost as liberating as wearing frilly panties around the house when no one's home.  I just hope everyone can find their way to forgive and forget (maybe not in the OJ situation but the rest, I think, we can move past). 

If you have any secrets to confess, now would be the time.  It's the Age of Liars.  Get in while the gettin's good.

By the way, we know that runners are certainly not taking any PED's to win these marathons right?  Right?!?  I call bullshit.  Ever try to run a five minute mile - let alone twenty-six of them in a row?  Based on my experience, it can't be done naturally.

Happy trails.