Friday, January 18, 2013

While We Are in the Mood to Confess...

Did you see the BIG MAJOR NEWS event last night?  Oprah, the Jerry Springer of celebrity interview journalism, sat down with Lance Armstrong and discovered that yes, indeed, a world class cyclist took performance enhancing drugs!?!? WHAT?!?! The Earth shook; my bowels moved.  Only one of these things normally happen during a typical evening. 

Of course, Lance was the last one in on it.  Everyone else in the world - cycling, baseball, Vernon Gholston, whatever - already reconciled that PED's were everywhere and everyone was using them.  I'm glad he got the opportunity to catch up with common knowledge.

You juxtapose the interview, where a seemingly contrite Armstrong seems to be fully admitting his involvement, versus the Manti Te'o dead girlfriend hoax where, allegedly, "someone" still just might not be telling the whole truth and nothing but.  (Your stock is dropping Manti with every fib.  Do yourself a favor and save millions.)

In the spirit of these current (and soon to be) confessions, a lot of folks (and inanimate objects) are taking the opportunity to confess under the protection of Armstrong's more newsworthy announcement.  Heck, I'm going to take advantage of the spitirt of the moment and come clean myself.  I've compiled a list here:
  • The sky is not blue.  It has to do with the atmosphere and how light scattering makes the sky look blue.  The sky would like to apologize for the confusion.
  • Cap'n Crunch hasn't done a single crunch his entire life.  That's why he wears the big coat.
  • Pop singer by day; talk show host by night.  Now's the time JB.
  • The Delorean never needed a flux capacitor.  There's no such thing.  It didn't work.  It was just lights and blinky parts.  Doc Brown and Marty McFly send their regrets.
  • I took a drug cocktail of laxatives, Tylenol, salt tabs, potassium, and, post-race, Advil in the week leading up to and during the 2006 Chicago Marathon.  I finished 5,532nd and would probably have done no better than 5,857th without it.  To those 325 people that I defrauded, I apologize.
  • Orphans.  They know where their parents are.
  • Carly Rae Jepsen doesn't want you to call. Definitely.
  • The NRA hated The Expendables 2. 
  • OJ's glove did fit.  We shouldn't have acquitted. /ReverseCochran'd
It's never easy to confess but it sure does feel liberating.  Almost as liberating as wearing frilly panties around the house when no one's home.  I just hope everyone can find their way to forgive and forget (maybe not in the OJ situation but the rest, I think, we can move past). 

If you have any secrets to confess, now would be the time.  It's the Age of Liars.  Get in while the gettin's good.

By the way, we know that runners are certainly not taking any PED's to win these marathons right?  Right?!?  I call bullshit.  Ever try to run a five minute mile - let alone twenty-six of them in a row?  Based on my experience, it can't be done naturally.

Happy trails.


Anonymous said...

This was a great post. And in the spirit of honesty, I would like to confess at this time to have not followed the Oprah/Armstrong “event” at all, for exactly the reasons you mentioned. Nothing was learned. Things we all knew were said aloud. But it ranks in importance with revelations as underwhelming as Elton John coming out or professional wrestling being choreographed. Not important at all. Happy running.

Viper said...

Washington never cut down the cherry tree.

Xenia said...

So many lies...except for this:

Char said...

One of our (Autsralian) Olympic swimmmers swore he was involved in a hit and run a little while ago when he broke his elbow. Turns out he was skate boarding and had had a practical demonstration of how gravity and the laws of motion work and was too scared to tell his coach. Biggest oops of his life when he had to go to court because he'd made a false statement and caused a police investigation.

Jill said...

I'm certain I've never had to cover up a lie or cheating, because I'm certain I'm perfect and never lied - or cheated. I'm just perfect like that.

An article you might enjoy...

Danielle in Iowa in Ireland said...

Everyone who beats me in every race is doping. I just know it. Even that 12 year old who sprints, then walks, then sprints, then walks.

Beth (@RunTraveler) said...

What? No confession that you ARE Rosie Ruiz? I'm disappointed...

Joanne said...

Excellent post. That Armstrong interview was a plan. Lance is smart he thinks this come clean thing will some how get back some support from fans or do him some good in the future. I think the honest athletes out there who "play by the book" and yes, they exist, need the recognition not Armstrong. Ignore him. Let him be remembered only for the liar and cheat he is. His only regret was getting caught.
As for my confessions: I am a cheater. I hold on when running on the treadmill. Don't hate me. It won't allow me to break any tape.