Tuesday, January 08, 2013

The Cleanse

Well, it’s a New Year. Again. It just never stops. Every tick of the clock is like the flick of an ole coot’s pocketknife whittling away at my youth. Sigh.

Well…Happy New Year. I guess.

Okay, truthfully, I’m just fuckin’ with you. I’m not that depressive. Actually, I’m kinda optimistic, generally speaking. I always believe that there is a chance that something good will happen even though we all know that optimists are just unevolved pessimists.

The New Year brings new hopes, new dreams, new runs, new races, and new PR’s. Unless you did some sort of New Year’s Day resolution run or the like, you haven’t yet felt the bitter, humiliating sting of disappointment this year. Your great fear of Not Being Good Enough has not yet materialized. It’s still out in front of you. By the end of this calendar, we’ll all be embarrassed and ashamed about our missed PR’s and half-assed training. But, for now, hope abounds! Foolish, ignorant, misguided hope!

It’s this time of year that I like to take stock of things. And that stock includes a half gallon of unfinished rum left over from the holidays anchoring my kitchen counter. In a non-literal sense of “taking stock”, I like to sit down, dwell reflect on my previous year’s lack of accomplishments - gulp rum – and consider the New Year’s unrealistic goals. And gulp rum. It’s important to lay out a plan for the coming year. Not only are races hard to enter these days due to demand but training for them takes so damn long. This year’s goals will become next year’s Tally of Failure at about this exact same time so it’s best to get a jump on things.

Reflect on the previous year. Drink rum. Write unfulfillable goals for this year. More rum. And then CLEANSE. Don’t forget the cleanse; it’s the most important part.

I’ve talked about it before. Long-time F.M.S. readers will remember the Empty Your Shitter directive from two years back. If you do, in fact, remember that, stop stalking me. You’re creeping me out. But it’s still great advice as only I can deliver.

Cleanse the memory banks. Purge the body thetans (for you Scientologists). Turn the page. Insert Cliche #2. It’s better to have run and lost, than to have never run at all. Insert Cliché #4. Start fresh.

(The preceding paragraph brought to you by Madlibs. Feel free to fill in the clichés at your leisure.)

I like to cleanse cliché-free. I tell myself, “Nitmos, the hay is in the barn for 2012. You don’t want to be All Talk and No Action in 2013. Am I a man or a mouse? It’s make or break it time for 2013. After all, the more things change, the more they stay the same.”

Then, after my little cliché-free pep talk, I sip more rum, take a deep breath and CLEANSE the negative thoughts from the past year. It’s a new year and I’m turning over a new leaf.

The big NEW YEAR CLEANSE is about rebooting your personal hard drive. Unburdening your soul (or sole, as the case may be) about runs missed, races lost to superstorms and missed PRs. You don’t need a tube, lubricant, and gentle warm hands and ability for distracting small talk for this cleanse. It’s more of a deep breath, meditative type thing. The other stuff is purely your choice (though recommended as you’d be surprised where a Twix bar can get lodged).

To that end, I’ve already resumed my regular stretchy-banding, crunching, and push-uping routine left dormant during the extended holidays. During the evening, my living room is again resembling a home gym. I no longer drink wine every day. I set a PR between Thanksgiving and New Year’s this year for consecutive days drinking wine. It got to be like making coffee: wake up, scratch nuts, pee, head downstairs and uncork the wine bottle, and pour it into the coffee mug or onto the Frosted Flakes. It’s okay though, I was getting up at three in the afternoon. It’s not like I was some sort of alcoholic morning drinker.

By the way, for those following me on Twitter, I apologize for my uncalled for stream of Suzy Favor-Hamilton jokes a while back. That was the wine talking.

But I’m back now and supremely average as ever! No negative thoughts! No disappointing races! No missed PR’s! Yet. I’ve got a WHOLE YEAR for that! As Eddy says, “That is the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.” My shitter is empty and ready for the reload. And if you counted how many mini-Snickers I ate, you’d know that another unload is coming….hard. Probably mushroom-headed.

Get back up on that horse. Let’s have a great, cliché-free year running.

Right after I have me another little sip of that rum….

The more things change…

Happy trails.


Lauren said...

Good luck cleansing! I could use some of that myself (not the twix-bar type :D)

Viper said...

I'm working on a cleanse, as well -- better yet, maybe a mind eraser.

David said...

It was wrong, but ... Thanks

Danielle in Iowa in Ireland said...

I was drinking a bit too much of the wine myself by the end of last year, so my new years resolution was to not drink alone anymore. I still haven't decided if drinking while commenting on blogs and internet message boards counts as "drinking alone."