Friday, April 29, 2011

Hip, Modern Half Marathon Time Trial

Yes, I have to admit, that I’ve been caught up in the hoopla…the spectacle…the marriage of a man of some repute. The cheers, the tears, the years together. Oh, and the beers. Lots and lots of beers. It’s been everything it was billed to be: dramatic, hopeful, grandiose and filled with suits and gold blinge. I haven’t been able to rip my eyes from the TV! It’s been quite a festival of love!

Of course, I’m talking about the NFL draft. What did you think? Royal wedding? Er, no. Wake me when Hugh Hefner gets married. USA! USA! USA! (For the record, my Lions took Nick Fairley, DT, out of Auburn. And now they are married together for a whole career…or, at least, the length of his rookie contract. I wish them well. Maybe I’ll send a toaster.)


Will you be my defensive tackle?

To celebrate this fine occasion, I decided to do a little half marathon time trial. My race is almost exactly one month away. Just far enough away to start panicking and fretting about my undertraining but far enough to not really care that much either. I still got time. My split personalities work great together: one is laid back and nonchalant while the other excessively compulses over every little detail. They usually cancel each other out and I sit back and drink beer oblivious to the inner war within my subconscious. I feel mentally drained but not something that another Schlitz can’t fix. Plus, I’m never actually compelled to action. Is there a more exhausting word to say than “action”?

Here’s the thing: Today’s half marathon time trial would consist of 9 miles at goal pace. I realize that 9 miles does not constitute a “half marathon” but I’ve long been a proponent of adjusting the distance down from the tiresome current distance, 13.11 miles, to something more PR-friendly like 8 or 9 miles. So far, my emails, tweets, letters, manifesto’s, threats, and disgusted harumphs have gone unanswered by the World Half Marathon President. A man can only Harumph for so long before he gives up and grabs another Schlitz. They stubbornly cling to this whole “a half marathon is 13.11 miles” thing. What is the old saying “something something unchanged is something doomed something failure”? Yeah, take THAT!

So, if they aren’t going to reduce the distance, then I’ll need to actually reduce my time to get that PR. What a bummer. Everything always has to be the hard way, doesn’t it?

I targeted 9 miles (or, the “new hip, modern half marathon distance”) at 6:40 pace. For you math whizzes, that would be an even one hour. Nine miles @ one hour. Then, spend the rest of the day watching coverage of the marriages of large men to their football clubs.

How’d I do? Well, as William and Kate might say: Brilliant!

9.0 miles
59:41 time
6:38 pace

Under the new hip, modern half marathon distance (soon to be adopted), I would have just set a PR by 28 minutes! What a huge PR! Bully for me!

Oh, look at that, the Detroit Lions are proposing to a rugged looking linebacker. Always brings a tear to me eye. sniff sniff Time for a Schlitz, a smile, and, maybe, just a few tears. A guy can't help himself sometimes.

The NFL sure does love just right.

Happy trails.

13 comments:

Ace said...

Have truer words ever been spoken?

"A man can only Harumph for so long before he gives up and grabs another Schlitz."

Oh yeah, unfortunately there have been, "Detroit Lions Draft Bust"

Viper said...

So who wins first pick next year, Detroit or Cleveland?

I think I have a PBR "maturing" in the back of my fridge that I can pop open to cheers your drafting hopes.

Irene said...

They still make Schlitz?

Running Through Phoenix said...

Are the Lions planning to join the NFL this year or sometime in the near future? Getting a few players in the draft would help, but it would be nice to let them play in a few games to see what it's like before they really commit.

Elizabeth said...

If a marathon was reduced to 12 miles, then I would break 2 hours and set a world record.

Ironman By Thirty said...

Bad news. I talked to the Bayshore race director and the Bayshore course has not been certified as a PR course. That obviously means that whatever time you get, it really doesn't count. On the positive side, it should take some pressure off of you :)

Robin said...

Schlitz - they still make that? Classy would have been a Hudy or Rolling Rock!

Reluctant Runner said...

Where's the petition for reducing the half marathon time? I'll sign!

Also, your time trial has inspired me to do the same. I'm also running a half at the end of the month. I just have to figure out what 9 miles is in Canadian. Can't it be like the dollar ... at par?

BrianFlash said...

I'm ok with the half marathon at 13.11. It is the darn marathon at 26.22. They need to drop that sucker back to about 20 miles because that's the most I can run with any real pace.

Anne said...

I like your HM distance...where do I sign!

You always manage to make me smile, even when you talk about football (the sport with the ball that isn't round, right?)

Al's CL Reviews said...

I might have to try Schlitz again. They redid the formula back to the 1950s recipe.

Jess said...

Nice job on your hip, modern half marathon time trial! You kinda kicked butt!

Psyche said...

You had me at, "...I sit back and drink beer oblivious to the inner war within my subconscious." It's like you're in my head.

Oh- well done you on the 9 miles!