Wednesday, March 02, 2011

I Fired My Coach

I fired my coach today. This came after studying my post-February year-to-date totals. It’s a drastic step but something had to be done. Review the data with me and I think you’ll agree that it was necessary.

First of all, my total mileage is down 30% at this same point as last year. 30%! That’s about the same amount as Charlie Sheen’s sanity level.

I’ve done barely any speed work since December. Sure, it’s been snowy but I could have at least fartleked the dry pavement parts right? It’s like I’ve halted production on speed altogether like I’m a top-rated, though inconsequential, sitcom with a steady stream of increasingly bland one-liners.

Inspirational speeches? None. No ‘build me up buttercup’. No Adrian motivation before the big fight. No freakin’ wind beneath my wings whatsoever. Not once have I been called a 'warlock' or told that I have 'tiger blood in my veins' and those are two of the four things people primarily describe about me.*

How’s my training plan going? Well, I’ll let you know that once I find one. I’m scriptless. My coach hasn’t written a training plan since last May’s marathon. He’s so over confident that he feels like, at this point, the miles just kinda write themselves and I’m just going to laugh my way around the track.

And how about a tender massage every now and then? I don’t need oil and candles but a nice compliment about my complexion sure wouldn’t hurt, you know? I fella likes to hear that every now and then. It’s like he’s forgotten about me and is already on to his next conquest.

Forget about a diet. I’ve indulged in enough fudge strip cookies to make a Hollywood coke party think ‘whoa, that guy has had too much.’

All of this has taken place directly under the supervision of my old running coach. I can overlook the 30% decrease in mileage. I’m training for a half marathon now whereas last year it was a full marathon. And the winter has been a little harsh. But this coach seemed to be content with my 6 pound weight gain, 50% increase in wine and beer consumption (year over last), and 80% increase in Sons of Anarchy reruns. Couple that with my 40% increase in Cabin Fever coming out in the form of a series of eye-rolling “Dad jokes” foisted upon the helpless children, with no remote, and you’ve got a serious problem on your hands.

He had to go. It’s too bad because he sure was a handsome little devil. Funny too. We had really similar personalities. It was like looking in the mirror.

I think I’m going to hire this other coach I’ve seen around from time to time. He’s a bit more of a curmudgeon. He likes to flip the bird at other drivers. He’s likeable but in a completely insulting and offensive way. He says things publicly like “kill ‘em all and let someone else figure it out” and “what’s up with the hunchback?” a little too loudly for my tastes. He thinks babies are useless for interval training unless it’s to create a hurdle in lane one. He appreciates a few drinks but likes to confine it to Saturday night. And don’t get him started on the weather. That’s unacceptable excuse #1.

He’s also what I see when looking in the mirror though, as we know, the mirror reverses the image. He’s a Bizarro me and I think that’s what I need right now.

Plus, he’s promised to make me a runner with the equivalent ability of two and a half men three men.

It’s time to get serious. Run on, warlocks!

Happy trails.

*Others: asshole and douchebag.

17 comments:

Jamoosh said...

Forget bizarro coach; you need Charlie Sheen. Because isn't it about "winning?"

Viper said...

I hope your complexion is better than Charlie Sheen's. If not, you have bigger problems than whatever asshole coaches you hire and fire.

Julie said...

God, I have missed your entertaining posts! I needed this...totally smiling right now:)

Charlie Sheen can do flipping anything and the world will still worship him:) I love his show!

Good luck with your training!

Lily on the Road said...

LMAO at Jamoosh, it IS all about winning, not whinning...

at least no Llama's were injured in this post and HEY, what happened to over indulging in Cheeto's??

Just asking.........

saundra said...

Thanks for the ear worm. I'll be singing "Build me up, Buttercup" for the rest of the day, if not the rest of the week.

Jake said...

Fudge strip cookies = crack? You do have some Charlie Sheen in you

Sun Runner said...

I’ve indulged in enough fudge strip cookies

If you aren't binging on Girl Scout cookies at this time of year you aren't truly living. Get with the program.

However, next Tuesday, March 8, is paczki day. Be prepared. Go out in a blaze of glory.

Also, you forgot douchenozzle.

Vava said...

You give Charlie too much credit... Although I know he's starting from close to the bottom of the sanity barrel dropping 30% is not nearly far enough. When starting that low you can only lose so much (like "buying" a house in Detroit).

Hope the new coach isn't too much of a hardass. I wonder if it's easier to fire a hardass or a creampuff?

Spike said...

Is the new coach likely to disappear for a week and then have to explain away two dead porn stars? If so, you have got yourself a keeper.

Elizabeth said...

I don't know about this new coach of yours. He doesn't drink as much...that's a sure sign of...something. My new coach this year doesn't drink as much either and she doesn't find me nearly as attractive as she used to.

Drea said...

See how contagious multiple personalities are!?! Halo and I can be your coach....just watch your back with Halo. She sweet like salt.

D

Running Diva Mom said...

just found your blog -- keep up the great work!

Roisin said...

Just go easy on the cookies. You could end up a semi-toothless Nitmos. Crack may be wack, but dentures are sooooooo last year.

lindsay said...

I thought it was all about bi-winning?

Aka Alice said...

If you ever decide to "fartleke the dry pavement parts", you really should take pictures...you'd really get a lot of comments that way!

Elise Lowerison said...

I just came across your health and fitness blog. Your article about firing your running coach was especially interesting. I especially liked your comments about getting rid of the negative energy coming from a coach who is in fact no help at all. I am adding you to my favorites. Since you and your readers are interested in health and fitness, we thought you would like to check out our ab workout machine called The AbStand. The AbStand is a full-body workout machine that provides an easy way for you to get a superior work out in the comfort of your own home! Any feedback would be appreciated as well. Thanks!

Reluctant Runner said...

Sounds like you need to sign up for something really scary. That'll get Coach Bizarro on your ass.