Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Master Me

Weird choice for me. Who's Karen?

Well, it’s done. I turned forty. I closed my eyes, clenched my teeth and grabbed my seat cushion but nothing rattled, shook, or exploded. When I slowly opened my eyes, there was nothing different but a confused restaurant full of people staring at me. Turns out, forty came in like a llama lamb (and a chips and salsa appetizer).

Now, officially, I’m a MASTER. And who thinks I’d let THAT go without an insufferable blog post? In fact, who thinks there won’t be a SERIES of insufferable blog posts about how I’m a Master? If there’s one thing I’m a master of it’s the Master of Insufferability.

There are some things that will have to change now. For one, there will be a sharp decline in masturbation jokes. Even though the root word MASTER appears within it, I’m exercising considerable restraint here not to make a cheap chicken choke joke. See how I’ve grown? I’m not going to flog that joke at all even though every fiber of my being demands comeuppance. I’m going to five knuckle shuffle along to other topics…

I can’t remember what I was talking about* but….here’s some other things I know will change beginning today:

· I no longer know how to operate a DVR. Too bad because I have some good shit on there.
· I’m too old to make fart jokes on this blog. Fartlek included.
· I’m no longer a “wise ass”. Now I’m “wise”.
· I’m too old to blog.
· Ten years until I can join AARP!
· What’s a blog?
· Looking forward to arthritis. Er, too late.
· Do they make Metamucil flavored Gu?
· Time to shop for a Corvette, gold chain, and a midlife crisis!
· When’s Matlock on?
· Last week, the neighbor kids played in my yard. Now, the little hooligans are causing a disturbance and…GET OFF MY LAWN!
· I run exactly the same times but, suddenly, my age graded finish just jumped a few notches!
· A new word to snicker at: “infirm”
· Now that I think of it, why can’t I wear black socks with shorts while mowing the lawn? Just makes sense…less to wash.
· I’m going to run in Keds now. They are sensibly priced.
· Tried on some side split running shorts. Looked sharp. Bought them.
· Wow, didn’t think hair could grow there.

Mrs. Nitmos and the kids wined and dined me for my birthday this weekend in the fashion to which I’ve become accustom: dinner coupons and cheap bargain restaurant beer. Then, I was treated to several shows – all soccer games – where the filly and colt went a combined 3-0 and were not scored upon. Nothing says “birthday” like the scent of crushed tire mixed with artificial grass and the faint hope that the kids are actually enjoying this time and money sucking activity. Now go chase that black and white ball little filly! (Implied: Score goal or walk home.)

Starting now, this Quadragenarian runner already has plans to master the USATF All American Standards of Excellence for road racing as defined by the National Masters News. Why? Because that's what old people do to stay relevant. It's either that or shuffleboard. And they have a website and arbitrarily listed times. (shoulder shrug) Seems official. I’m a sucker for numbers. And I like a challenge. Especially a challenge I can already beat. Currently, I can best every one of the listed times. But can I do it in a knee brace (I have to get one of those, right?) while fretting over my 401k and kids’ non-existent college fund? I guess therein lies the challenge.

If you thought I couldn’t toss around any more arrogance on this blog, I bet you forgot all about this whole “Master” thing, didn’t you? Time to step it up a notch. Heck, I might even be able to lure our (largely) dormant friends Ian, Blogger Formerly Known As Vanilla, and RazZ, er, other blogger guy, back to regular blogging through their futile hopes to Take Me Down A Notch. If I can land those two fish, what would that make me?

A Master Baiter.

Happy….um, what time’s Bingo?

*First Alzheimers joke!

26 comments:

Jamoosh said...

Huh, I thought forty was the new thirty; not the new fifty. Then again, I'll be happy once forty is the new forty...

Marlene said...

Happy Belated Birthday and good luck in your new age group! Show those "Masters" how it's done!

Ian said...

To be fair I've always said that you were a Master Baiter.

HAPPY 40TH BIRTHDAY!!

*shouted so that you could hear it*

danny said...

I suspect the dwindling 401K and non-existing college funds will force the USATF to pull a BAA after your first full season. (Or, you'll come down with some old man's disease and show up to the local 5K re-telling the same three stories.)

Razz said...

since you like to take on tough subjects, I'll just call you Master-Debater.

Happy 40th, old man.

Jill said...

I'm just glad you aren't watching Wheel of Fortune!

Happy Birthday!!!

Al's CL Reviews said...

I thought you more of a Walker, Texas Ranger guy than Matlock.

The Merry said...

Congratulations on making it to Official Geezerdom. Remember: the dentures go in the mouth, the hearing aid goes in the ear.

BrianFlash said...

Please post your race schedule for the next 12 months. I need to know which marathons to avoid now that we are in the same age group.

Happy Birthday!

Xenia said...

You may be a Master Baiter, but are you a Cunning Linguist as well?

Happy birthday.

Danielle in Iowa in Seattle said...

Karen and her cat on her 40th birthday. Most depressing cake ever.

The Sean said...

That is an amazing cake. Just another thing I can't do...

Thomas said...

Happy Birthday, but you'll never catch up with me (age-wise I mean)!

Drea said...

Beautiful! Happy Birthday! Now you can enter the USATF Master's World's in Sacramento this July! I think you forgot to mention something about being a master mind.....

Jess said...

Hope you had a great birthday! It's going to be fun to be a Master.

Robin said...

Happy Birthday - now it's time to start tucking your shirt in when you run. Yep, time to be THAT guy!

lindsay said...

Happy Birthday Master Nitmos!!

I guess I am a grandma at 25-26 cause I yelled at the neighbors kids all the time last year. My claim is I don't have kids nor do I know their kids so why do you let them play in my yard? Thank goodness they moved or I might be at the nursing home by now.

I hope you get a photo soon in your Keds and split-shorts!

Adam said...

40 huh, I'm with jamoosh 40 is the new 40 which indeed means that you need to search out all forms of metamusil. Shouldn't you be having dinner at an ihop somewhere? It is 3:00?

Charlotte said...

Happy Birthday Master! And can I just say that this is the first time I realized what the term "master's" in sports is referring to? Yeah, we didn't have ESPN in my house growing up. Thanks for the education - in so many ways!

Irene said...

You're never too old for fart jokes. THOSE get better with age.

Happy Birthday!

Elizabeth said...

Happy Birthday, you young whippersnapper you. You may be faster than me but you will never be older than me. Yay for me!!

Spike said...

I'm pretty sure the Brooks-Depends lined running shorts will add a second or two to your Master times.

Happy Birthday buddy!

Chanda M. DeFoor said...

Hap, hap, happy birthday!!

Vava said...

I see "The Champ" was a mainstay on your local classic rock station back in the day. Very nice.

A little late on account of some (not) tasty strep, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY you fast geezer!

Velma said...

Happy Birthday. You are never to old to make fart jokes.

Ainsley Drew said...

Didn't see this till now. Happy birthday! Only you didn't turn forty. You turned twenty twice.