Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Dear Speed Work

Dear Speed Work,

I love our Tuesday dates but I have a small, teeny tiny list of grievances. I think we’ve been seeing each other long enough to air these out in an open and honest forum, right?

First, and I hope this isn’t too direct, why are you such a fickle bitch? One day, you are easy to please and the laps just pass on by with both of us getting a good workout in. I enjoy your sultry ovalness; you relish the pounding of my feet. I leave healthier, happier and faster. The next, well, it’s an absolute slog. It feels like my legs have a pair of hungry, desperate orphans attached. Why do you have to make it so tough on me? And why don’t you warn me before I get to the track as a little friendly heads up that the Oliver Twist twins are around? Please, sir, can we have some more speed?

Is it so much to ask to cut down the amount of wind smacking me in the face around the first turn? I mean, really. EVERY TIME??? I know your home football team isn’t that popular so your stands weren’t built very wide or high but, heck, is that the fault of the runners? How hard is it to gently re-direct the wind so it is continually at my back? Or, at the very least, create a windless vacuum within which I can complete my speed session. You’ve become very selfish.

And you can plead innocence all you want but I KNOW that you make the track slightly larger after every lap. I’m doing 800 intervals but, really, don’t we both know that the second 400 meters is more like 450 meters? Clever trick. At first, I thought I might just be a little out of shape but, I checked in the mirror, and it’s not me. Is this more of your passive-aggressive nature coming through? I can hear you chuckling through my gasps, chokes, and sobs as I finish my third 850 interval.

I won’t blame you for the prolonged cold spell. That’s not your fault. But who placed that discarded green sweatshirt, crumpled in a heap in lane three? At first, I thought Oh, someone left a sweatshirt. After my second 800 and second tussle with the cold, biting wind in my face after turn one, I felt like the sweatshirt was put there on purpose. You know like, I don’t need it because I’m so hot but look at you in your hat, gloves and wind pants that flap and snap like a Sunfish jib sail coming about. By the fourth interval, it was pretty clear that the green sweatshirt was mocking me. The wind was frickin’ BLOWING in my face – if I had MC Hammer parachute pants I believe I might have taken flight – but that damn green sweatshirt just sat in its insolent, motionless heap. It was completely unaffected by the wind. And, yes, that was me that spit at you before my last 400 meters.

And finally, when will you get the water fountain working? I realize this has nothing to do with the track itself but the entire show – the track, the wind, the cold, the green sweatshirts, the water fountain – all need to come together to perfectly execute my symphony of speed. You don’t even give me false hope for water. I can see the pipes that were removed for winter have not been restored yet. How am I to complete my last 800 with the vision of a water oasis if there is no water? That’s a key part of the water oasis vision. You want me to suck my own spit from the green sweatshirt, don’t you?

I hope we can work this out. I intend to see you all spring, summer and fall and it’d be really nice if we could get along. What I’m saying is….it’s not me, it’s you. I’m a perfectly tuned speed machine. I’m quite sure that the long winter layoff from any meaningful speed work had no effect on me whatsoever. It’s you that’s to blame. You and your ever expanding oval. You and your filthy, contemptuous discarded sweatshirt. You and your annoying wind patterns. You You YOU.

As you can see, I’ve come here in an open, honest and non-judgmental fashion hoping to work things out. I hope you’ll make the changes necessary so that we can have enjoyable Tuesdays together.

In other words, stop being such a bitch.

Love,
Nitmos

13 comments:

Al's CL Reviews said...

I don't know...I don't think I would be willing to trust Speed Work's Pipes. She might leave you with some nice disease or something.

Vava said...

Hey, just be happy to have any bitch at all! Every time I try speedwork at the track it seems I break down faster than MC Hammer's career...

The Sean said...

Expanding Universe theory... don't worry though... you are gradually approaching hyper-space speed.

(word verification: stedi)

Kirstie said...

I can relate to the cold and wind in your face comments but not the speed workouts. ;) Keep up the good work!

Marlene said...

My beef with Speed Work is that the port-o-potties have not been returned to the park yet!! Speed work = potential for emergency pit stop. NOT COOL!!!

elizabeth said...

Even this cold-weather runner chick is sick of the cold and the wind. I feel your pain. I loved the description of the discarded sweatshirt. Definitely leaves you wondering who left it and why? Here's to "out like a lamb."

danny said...

*slurp*

thanks, I needed the extra 'boost' this week.

Sun Runner said...

It sounds like it's not so much Speed Work that you're upset with, it's Track.

Speed Work is only as difficult as you make it, but that Track, well, that bitch is the same every time.

Chanda M. DeFoor said...

I feel it could be a bit sexist for me to call Speed Work a bitch... more like The Devil.

Deb said...

You have a WATER FOUNTAIN at your track? Like, an actual dispenser of liquid? Even if it doesn't work, I'm crazy jealous.

Adam said...

I'm with Deb. I think you should start bringing your own pump and water and pump that stuff THROUGH the water fountain. That is probably why your runs feel longer than they are. You're not doing your part to hydrate everyone else.

Help the world Nitmos, and the world will help you

Danielle in Iowa in Seattle said...

You tell that inanimate object who is boss!

lindsay said...

A water fountain is luxury. I have a hose pump/spigot thing that's covered in bird poop. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

I would like to also request for Speed Work to keep the walkers out of Lane 1, and if it could reschedule the school's soccer games around my training schedule. I will give thanks for the addition of a reasonably clean porta-potty.