Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Runners Are Better Than Charlie Sheen Because...

Runners and Charlie Sheen: Two things that go together like Henry Rollins and subtlety. Who’s to say which is better? One may tear themselves apart slowly, step by step, over 26 miles; another does it over 26 years. Opinions are like bad sitcoms; we all have one. Here’s mine.


Runners are better than Charlie Sheen because…

  1. Rarely do you get STD’s from the community race day Gatorade volunteers.

  2. Running can be a verb with positive connotations. The other can also be a verb but with less positivity . (i.e. “I took so many drugs that I rented a prostitute, trashed my hotel room, and capped the evening off with an embarrassing mug shot. In other words, I was really Sheened last night.”)

  3. If you don’t like the woman race once you’ve started, you can just hire register for a new one. (Wait, maybe that’s how running is the same as Charlie Sheen.)

  4. The only “crack” involved is the one you lube to prevent chafing.

  5. You can still set a race PR. Charlie is resigned to his lifetime 1986 PR for Platoon.

  6. Cramps may shut down your morning race. They take Charlie out for an entire week. (Or, at the very least, make him open up the Rolodex.)

  7. When you snot rocket, it doesn’t land on the back of someone’s head.

  8. Lindsay Lohan can still pull it off even with a cigarette in hand. Take that, Chuck!
  9. Your heart and lungs strengthen and expand. Liver bloating = extremely rare.

  10. When you run, you may be a role model. When you’re Charlie Sheen, you’re not.

  11. BONUS: Running enhances your body’s natural curves and streamlines your physique. Without two surgically implanted cantaloupes on your chest, Charlie’s not interested in you.
MEN!

Happy trails.

________________________________

I’m whiling away the days with a steady stream of 8 mile and under runs with a few intervals thrown in to keep fresh. It’s off season maintenance mode around these parts. Last night: 5 miles at 6:58 pace.

15 comments:

Viper said...

No love for Men at Work? Come on, now!

Sun Runner said...

I still think he did his finest work in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off."

Looking back, that seems eerily prophetic, doesn't it?

keen shoes said...

Absolutely agree on this;
# If you don’t like the woman race once you’ve started, you can just hire register for a new one. (Wait, maybe that’s how running is the same as Charlie Sheen.)

Marlene said...

Good to see you posting again! I've been lacking some humor in my blog-life.

Nurse Becky said...

Running is also the same as Charlie Sheen because at the end of a hard race/day, you end up with the unflattering (post-race) mugshot.

But, running is better than Charlie Sheen because rarely does Charlie get blogged about...except...by...you...

Jess said...

Oooh back to almost daily posts! Poor Charlie, that must have been quite the "reaction to prescription medication." Buahaha.

Spike said...

Major League?!?

Wonderful post! STDs are fast.

John at Hella Sound said...

You, sir, are a genius. Or, dare I say it? A Sheenius.

Adam Culp (Crazy Floridian) said...

It has been a very long time since I got Sheened. Maybe THAT's the problem.

Vava said...

For some reason I keep thinking back to the final scene in "Wall Street" when good ole' Charlie is being led off in handcuffs. His greatest work of foreshadowing EVER!

Lisa said...

1) rarely you get STDs from volunteers.

RARELY?!? but occasionally you do?! Why hasn't anyone shared this important information with me before?!?! LOL

Robin said...

I'm a bit scarred thinking that runners do #4!

Danielle in Iowa in Seattle said...

Robin, I would never run a marathon without doing #4...

Can I say that I'm kind of impressed with the Lohan for running in those heels?

Adam said...

and now I have the 2 1/2 men theme song in my head.

men men men men manly mennnnnn

I hate you.

Reluctant Runner said...

Cramping, snot rockets and crack chaffing. May I just say ... ewww.