Friday, November 05, 2010

Asicshole

Let me fill you in on a little secret I recently learned: that “s” in Asics? It doesn’t stand for “soccer”.

I love my Asics. I’ve been running in them for years now. I think I started with the GT2090’s (was that a shoe…or just my Swiss cheese memory?) placed on my foot by a running specialty store clerk. A celestial light beamed down. Doves flew up around me in a sweeping arc. My feet were saved! I’m sure I paid too much money for them because I bought them from…a running specialty store. Since then, of course, I’ve found a source for buying the 2100 series shoes at half price (as long as you don’t mind wearing last year’s model – and you don’t get the doves and light) which is to say not from a running specialty store.

Like most, I follow the usual rules of Running Shoe Life Cycle: 1. Run for 400 or so miles. 2. Transition them to every day walking shoes. 3. Place them in a retirement home (lawn mowing shoes) and finally 4. Garbage (dog shit caked to the bottom.) This usually works quite nicely…unless you deviate from the norm.

My deviation came in the form of a request to fill-in on a friend’s co-ed soccer team. By the time I was done, my recently transitioned (stage 2 life cycle) Asics 2140’s looked like this:

I’m pretty sure that hole wasn’t there before I ass kicked all over an indoor soccer arena. The shoes have a nice breathable mesh but I don’t recall the gaping, exposed ventilation system on the outer edge. Someone’s ass must have a hunk of Asics mesh stuck up in there. Sure, it’s somewhat nice to have my little toe flopped out of the shoe like it’s lying on a sundeck while the other four toes hibernate inside. The four larger toes have long been jealous of the runt. But it does make me look like a refugee.

I guess it was worth it. We won 14-5. I scored a goal with a few assists. I scared the bejeebus out of a 55 year old woman with two knee braces by charging at her as she fumbled around with the ball at her feet, shouting “Run through the ball. RUN THROUGH THE BALL!!”, before spinning her to the ground as I hustled away with the ball the other direction.

I’m not going to go out and buy shoes to just to walk around in - that would be silly – so what do I do now? Do I make an early transition for my current running shoes (which still have 100 miles or so in them)? Do I keep on wearing them until the second toe pops out on the sun deck? Do I move the shoes into stage 3 life cycle a bit early and just walk around in sandals like I’m a Hippie?

Maybe I’ll keep them around for awhile. I may need to play soccer again. I remember leaving the field thinking that there was more ass to kick out there that I left unkicked. Until I noticed the new hole, I thought some of the opposing players were calling me an “Asshole” during the post-game handshake and I was quite pissed. But then I looked down, spotted my little toe peeking out, and realized that they must have been saying “Asicshole”. I smiled and waved, “Yes, you’re right, my Asics have a hole. Thank you.” To which, they indicated that they saw only one hole by extending one finger in the air. Helpful.

Perhaps there’s a stage 2.5 in the Running Shoe Life Cycle?

That would be the one in which 39 year olds run around in overused running shoes intimidating the Just For Fun co-ed leaguers with way too much aggression.

I can already see the new marketing campaign: Asics! Not for soccer…but they can still kick some ass! Be a real Asicshole today!

Happy trails.
_________________________________

I should provide an update on my filly’s travel soccer team of which, you’ll recall, I’m their Lombardi-esque coach. We did not win the league title. We finished 4-2-2 with the champ going 6-1-1. We beat and tied the champ in head-to-head action so the rest of the league didn’t hold up their end to help us out. Where was their A game when playing the eventual champs? My filly? Eight goals in 8 games. Plus, she assisted the other area travel team in three of their games and put in 3 more goals in 3 games. She does not wear Asics.

Spring, yes spring, the title will be ours!

22 comments:

Viper said...

Solution: duct tape. No need for early transition to Stage 3 shoe service, go hippy or buy walking shoes (unless you're transitioning into your golden years). Cheers!

Xenia said...

You know how some people have to have one of their legs out from underneath the blanket in order not to be too warm at night? Perhaps your foot needed to cool down a bit mid-game, forcing the little toe through the side of the shoe. A little extra ventilation never hurts.

Lily on the Road said...

Dang, Viper beat me to the duct tape solution...

Glad you were able to get the ball away from that lady before you dropped her....way.to.go!

gene said...

dang it! Viper AND Lily beat me to the tape. i guess bronze is ok.
glad to see you back, even if your shoes look like they came from a refugee camp.

The Merry said...

Can I make a suggestion? Instead of trashing your running shoes, you might be able to recycle them.
http://www.crankyfitness.com/2008/07/give-back-to-track-jack.html

And every time I mention this to someone, they say "Oh, but my shoes can't be re-used, they're toast." So I want to emphasize that these people don't recycle the whole shoe: they recycle the stuff at the bottom and use it to pave playgrounds and tracks.

Jess said...

My soccer player friend gets holes in the exact same spot in his shoes. He still wears them out and about, so I say you can too!

Robin said...

Too funny! I have a pair in all 4 transitional areas...and sometimes get 2-4 confused!

BrianFlash said...

My shoe cycle mirrors yours exactly. Except I try and get 600 miles out of them if I can...

Sun Runner said...

My shoes move into a stage 5: hashing shoes. The fact that shoes with dog shit caked onto them are still too good for hashing should tell you a lot about hashing.

Also, I don't know what it is about the perspective in that photo, but it appears that you wear a size six shoe. A women's size six, at that.

Adam Culp (Crazy Floridian) said...

I thought there was a shoe fairy that takes the shoes and gives them to bad people who deserve worn out running shoes. At least that is what happens with mine, after I open a new box of shoes I put the old ones in the closet. Then within a few days...they are GONE!

chris mcpeake said...

thats a pretty big hole. Nicely done

aron said...

i looove my asics. i never get 400 out of them tho :(

Aka Alice said...

Seriously dude! Do you really walk anywhere that important? Just claim that they are the new "highly ventilated" style"...or wear longer pants. It'd be like The Shawshank Redemption...who looks at a man's shoes anyway? Who would even know?

Irene said...

Shoe fairy?

Just wear them. No one will notice. Sheesh.

Danielle in Iowa in Seattle said...

You kicked ass on the soccer field? You guys won 14-5. How many people are on the field? 11? So with one goal, you didn't even make the team average. Sheesh.

Lisa said...

nothing a little duct tape can't fix. sheesh! ;-p

Adam said...

I have the exact same cycle of shoe wear. I don't use them for walking around much because they smell like a goat by the time I am done with them but I use them to ride my bike.

nice work w/ the filly. Her mom must be a REALLY good soccer player.

Reluctant Runner said...

Maybe you need to start shopping at specialty soccer stores. Cue the lights and doves.

I'm an Asics gal myself. My only complaint is the girlie pink colours they foist on female runners. Like we're marathon-frickin'-Barbie or something.

elizabeth @ elizathon said...

Too funny. I just threw 2 pairs of asics away last weekend. But no worries...I have three pairs left in various stages of use. Oh Asics 2110--I just can't quit you!

Jess said...

Aww that sucks. I usually replace my shoes if they have a hole. I guess you can transition them to soccer shoes.

Ace said...

I think this needs to be extended to other shoe brands. Also, insulting generalizations should be made for those who wear them.

i.e. SuckthisSaucony, NikeNerfHerders, BrooksBrothersBronchiopods (too mean?) etc.

Nick said...

Classic......and perhaps a new add for the urban dictionary.