Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Hooker Layaway Plan

Note: My female readers may prefer to read "hooker" as "gigolo" in the following passages. One small way in which F.M.S. fights to end sexism.

Sometimes I feel hungry but I don’t know what I want to eat.* I’ll open the fridge and take a peek. Too many fruits and vegetables and it just doesn’t feel like a fruity/vegetable type of moment. So I’ll wander over to the pantry: crackers, cookies, and chips. No, no, and no. I’ll walk back into the living room, stare at the TV for a moment, and then walk back to the fridge and try again. Same shit. Go figure. The magical grocery fairy hadn’t come yet.** I might do this lap three or four times in a row. I just can’t make up my mind. There are plenty of choices; I just don’t want to commit to one.

This type of indecision is causing me problems with race planning. Some of you may have noticed that races – particularly half marathons and up – are selling outs months, even years, in advance. The Boston Marathon 2011 sold out in eight hours! Other races are opening registration a year in advance…and selling out within two weeks (or less). We are in the midst of the Second Great Running Boom. Race directors must feel like movie producers releasing another Twilight sequel (i.e. we don’t even have to try anymore. They’ll come anyway.)

And I can’t decide what to eat within the next ten minutes. How am I supposed to commit to a race eleven months away?

But that’s exactly what we have to do now. If you aren’t already scheduling your 2011 races, it might already be too late. Most of the spring half and full marathons are already filling up. Some fall 2011 marathons are open for registration.

There are a lot of tempting races out there but I have no idea what I might feel like at this time next year. It’s like picking out a hooker and placing her on a layaway installment plan. A year from now, you may not want that same hooker. But you’re stuck with her now. You made the commitment. You’ve paid the fee. In ten short months, what fun you’ll have! Unless, a few months from now, you prefer that hooker over there…

As an aside, I realize that the preceding paragraph may have sounded extremely sexist.*** However, you should know that I attended a small liberal arts college for two years and was one of only two men of 30 students in a History of American Women course. I’m pretty sure the other guy was just trying to get laid. I was there so that I could learn to drop some Elizabeth Cady Stanton on your asses! Suffragettes, yo!

So even though I can’t decide between a plate of nacho chips & salsa or a midget-sized Kit Kat bar, and I can’t decide if that uncomfortable lower abdomen pressure is a fart or a shit, hell, I can’t even choose between Team Edward or Team Jacob, I need to pick out my 2011 races?!

Oh, Elizabeth, why am I being put through such suffrage? Didn’t we stand shoulder-to-shoulder against such hostility so I wouldn’t have to pick out my hooker now?

That being said…here are the likely candidates. Peanut gallery, feel free to chime in if you have any strong feelings about any of these potential races. Right now, I’m just perusing the red light district doing a little window shopping. Before long, I’ll need to see the Madam.

Spring Ladies

Martian Half Marathon (April/Dearborn, MI)
Country Music Marathon (April/Nashville, TN)
Cleveland Half or Full Marathon (May/Ohio)
Bayshore Half Marathon (May/Traverse City, MI)

Fall Ladies

Chicago Marathon (October/Illinois)
Grand Rapids Marathon (October/ Michigan)
New York City Marathon (November/New York – at least, join the lottery)
Indianapolis Monumental Marathon (November/ Indiana)

There are also a few other gnarly looking hookers races I’m considering. They look questionable but….might be okay. Any other suggestions in the greater Midwest area would be appreciated.

The rest of you, start picking out your dates now! You don’t want to be left on the sideline or, worse, out with some eHarmony leftover. Elizabeth and I didn’t fight for that, yo!

And you can save your sympathetic comments towards Mrs. Nitmos. I am a keeper and she is lucky to have me.

Now, did that grocery fairy stop by yet

Happy trails.

*Not purple jelly beans. I covered that already.
**Mrs. Nitmos
***If it did, then my plan worked!

19 comments:

One Crazy Penguin said...

I hear great things about the Grand Rapids. I myself am doing the Country Music Half and Chicago Marathon....yo!

Sun Runner said...

Martian: long out and back course on Hines Drive, if you've done it before you know how lonely and mind-numbing this can be.

Cleveland: I've done both the full (that's where I BQed) and the half there, so I'm rather fond of it (it's also my hometown). Not a bad course, stays away from most of the urban blight. Pretty darn flat and fast.

NYC: Still my favorite race of all time. Get your name into the lottery and cross your fingers.

One of these days we have to make sure we cross paths at a local race!

Viper said...

Why not Akron? Deadly hilly (i.e. I'd like a Boston comparison), early fall, usually nice weather, cool stadium finish, and I would get the change to punch you in the face. What's not to love? Cheers!

Lily on the Road said...

hmmmm, all things considered, I'd go Grand Rapids....because why you ask?

Well, you might just have the Grand Pleasure of meeting ME! (and NO, I'm not a hooker nor EwwwwHarmony leftover, although I'm trying...).

word ver...osporn....go figure.

Pam said...

Ugh... I can't think that far in advance.

I CAN tell you that I did the CMM 1/2 last April, and I would highly recommend it.

Adam Culp (Crazy Floridian) said...

I am also looking hard at NY next year...or at least getting started on the lottery thingy.

Ironman By Thirty said...

I'd say that you must have gone to the same liberal arts college as me, but I think they all pretty much the same.

My 2 cents:

Martian Marathon: Decent looking hooker, but you have to do the same hooker twice (out and back course). Flat course and not at all crowded. Felt like a long run rather than a marathon.

Chicago Marathon: Too many hookers here. Not my cup of tea. I like a personalized experience.

Grand Rapids Marathon: My favorite hooker (errrr... Marathon) ever. Elliot Spitzer class call girl here. I've hit that twice and it was even better the second time around.

Another possibility for a Spring Lady would be the Glass City Half/Full Marathon (Toledo). Fast, flat course.

Yes, the hooker puns are horrible, I know. But you started it.

Irene said...

How far are you willing to travel?

Nick said...

Nitmos, you just gave me a great idea....maybe I should start a Twilight prostitution ring...errr...marathon. Especially since I am here in WA.

Morgan said...

Ooooo oooo ooo join me at Cleveland and Spike and Mrs. Nitmos can cheer us on together... er well they can cheer you on and then Mrs. Nitmos can leave and go find you and y'all can start your drive home and then Spike might see me to cheer...

Drea said...

I think people might want to start looking at smaller races- Boston is great and all, but if it sells out that fast maybe they should drop the standards. Just an idea :) Leave sticky notes for the grocery fairy :)

Drea
www.twomotivate.com

Jess said...

1. I do the exact same thing in the kitchen when I can't decide what to eat. It happens at least once a day.

2. It annoys me that I can't register for races last minute. I mean what if my training is ahead of schedule and I want to add something in. I hate committing months in advance.

3. I was toying with the country music half, not sure that's still in the cards. It will depend on a variety of factors.

Ainsley Drew said...

I have no idea what any of these hookers are like, as I'm more of a lap dance girl myself. (Read: I use an elliptical at the gym and am a pussy.) But regardless of whether or not you feel content with your choices this far in advance, I'm sure that the results will be orgiastically epic, so long as you keep training or popping Cialis. Those are some lucky hookers.

Pretend this is real said...

Cleveland is a lot of fun and relatively cheap for the size. The course is pretty flat and the crowds, particularly in the first half and scattered through the second, are GREAT! And I totally do the same thing with the fridge. Why doesn't it fill magically in the moments you walk away?!?

Adam said...

Ugg, this reminded me that I have NO races or hookers planned for next year. I need to get on both.

Traverse City is pretty in the spring, maybe I'll join you there....

BrianFlash said...

The Country Music (Half Marathon) was my first road race after a 24 year layoff. Great race, but maybe because it was the first.

This year I ran Indianapolis. Race day registration and packet pickup for the procrastinator within! 3000 marathoners and 5000 halvers.

My schedule for next year avoids big events and sticks to the smaller runs (except for New York City). Some of my best race experiences have come at smaller races. I also think Little Rock and the USAF marathon are both great smaller races.

Jess said...

I hate that we have to choose races so far in advance, especially since most of the time you can't transfer your bib if you get injured. Must be nice to have races in your state in April and May! Spring marathons in Texas actually take place in the winter...

Xenia said...

I thought you wanted to run Florence at some point in your life. All you'd have to do is mortgage your house and sell off one of the kiddies to make it over to Europe. Even though I'd sworn off marathons after Edinburgh, I keep eying Venice for next year. So, how about considering an Italian hooker?

Mike said...

The Country Music Half is awesome. The Country Music Full sucks balls, (like a hooker, but that's bad in this case...)

You already know Chicago is amazing. Marine Corps is awesome in DC in the Fall, but doesn't fit your "Midwest" criterion. You could check out St Louis in the Spring (mid-April).