Thursday, November 05, 2009

Contorted Hamlet

It’s getting cold out. Just cold enough where I have to actually give a moments thought to the age old Shakespearean paradox : To short, or not to short. Or something like that.

40 degrees. Constantly. Just chilly enough where you’ll be pretty cold for the first few miles in shorts but pretty warm during the last few miles if you wear pants. What would Hamlet do?* Here’s several reasons, prefaced in the great Hamletian tradition, why I hate cold weather running.

The Slings and Arrows of outrageous bloggers…

I hate putting the wind pants on. First, it covers my legs and, fuck, I got nice man legs. I think a few of the more masculine ladies would even be pretty envious. These babies should be high kicking somewhere on Broadstreet rather than covered in nylon and trapped in heat and sweat on a lonely mid-Michigan road. I don’t care if you think less of me since I dared to suggest that I’d make a terrific show girl. I’m comfortable and confident in my me. Besides, it’s not the fantastic legs that should open me up for scrutiny. It’s the lipstick.

To run, perchance in long pants. Ay, there’s the rub…

Second, I can’t stand the clich├ęd swish-swish sound of the pant legs as they rub against each other during the initial stages of the run. Probably not a problem for the less developed hamstring set amongst us but, for me, very annoying. Then, half way through, the pants are clinging to your legs with moisture and you entertain thoughts of stripping down right in the middle of the sidewalk and tossing them aside. And then being arrested (again) for indecent exposure.

To grunt and sweat under a weary run…

Third, it’s all about the nipples, man. They get cold when the wind blows head on. I’m not a turtle, little fellas, you can’t come back inside. Stand strong. Stand proud. This time of year reflects my nipple length/mileage inverse relationship. The longer the nipples grow the fewer miles I log. One or the other; you can’t have both. Sure, I’d love to be the guy with one inch nipples knocking out 50 miles per week but it’s not gonna happen. Rage on Midwest fall, rage on. At least give this fella some tassels.

And lose the name of action

Finally, I am a runner. That is what I love. That is what I shall do. Though the thermometer drops, the pants raise, the nipples extend, I will not die by the cold steel sword of winter.

To short, or not to short? It makes no difference. Either way, I’ll be out there running. It’s a simple answer. I will not be deterred. Hamlet, what an indecisive wimp. You can’t make up your mind and then you go swinging swords and flinging poison? Someone has ish-you's.

He wasn’t a runner.

Happy trails.

* Besides stab and/or poison any and every body after a prolonged period of introspection.

25 comments:

GeorgiaSnail said...

a little medical tape goes a long way...just sayin~

Chad Sayban said...

You are right - stabbing before a long run is highly overrated.

saundra said...

What, no tights! Surely those legs can pull that look off.

Sun Runner said...

There is a happy middle, called tights. Think of the opportunities to show off not only your nice man legs, but other stuff, too! And by stuff, I mean...well, you know.

EZEthan said...

I have to disagree about the wind pants... I always felt that the winter wind pants builds anticipation as the local ladies yearn for just the slightest glimpse of those Michaelangeloesqe sculpted legs... then when spring finally comes around you can feed upon their flirtatious gasps when you stage your reveal!!! (those snap up tear away pants work particularly well in this case)

EZEthan said...

to short or not to short?... I can tell you one thing that's not too short... this post!!! (bada-bing!)

Lily on the Road said...

Wind Pants? Didn't they go out in the 80's? What about putting on some manly lycra wicking running pants and applying kitty bandaids?

Even if you were wearing lipstick while running or on Broadstreet covered in nylon and trapped in hot and sweaty wind pants, you're still out running! Good on ya!!

X-Country2 said...

No tights? Pfft. Your legs are nearly as sexy as you think they are if you're willing to cover them up with wind pants.

Betsy said...

Hamlet would wear tights. Duh.

Running and living said...

Yes, you need to upgrade, who runs in wind pants any more? Get the tights on!

Morgan said...

You think you've got nipple issues in the winter?

Beth said...

You know you should be wearing tights, right? That's what all the cool kids are wearing. :)

Meg Runs said...

And have you tried a skirt???

Shannon said...

"First, it covers my legs and, fuck, I got nice man legs."

I'll be the judge of that! Pictures please....

I have amazing arms/back/legs/abs and hate when I have to cover them up too. ;)

Adam said...

As hard as I try I can't get the picture of you running in "MC Hammer Pants" out of my mind.

And now I can't get two-legit to quit out of my head. Awesome.

Kristina said...

Split the difference and go capris. All the guys are doing it (I swear). Get thee to a running store.

Spike said...

just keep running in shorts...it would only get you a few more stares than you typically get.

Vava said...

At least your post wasn't about "To Thong or Not To Thong"...

Jess said...

I love running tights because they don't do the swish swish thing and they wick sweat! But dudes in tights, I don't know...I guess that's a personal decision you'd have to make.

Danielle in Iowa said...

One word: manpris.

Irish Cream said...

I think it's really unfair that men don't get to run in capris . . . the perfect "in between" weather item. I think you should start the trend--you could DEFINITELY pull it off with those (allegedly) sexy legs of yours ;)

sRod said...

I always err on the side of shorts. For some reason it makes more sense to me to be cold when you're done than to be hot when you're running. I did have to dump the noisy (noisey?) pants a while ago and adopted pants--I couldn't take the swishing any more.

Jamoosh said...

Are you sure your "wind pants" aren't from the 80's...

Reluctant Runner said...

If find you X-treme, hard-core shorts-wearing hyper-athletes kind of annoying. Put on some pants, for God's sake -- it's cold outside.

mr loser said...

Dump the background TBS and watch the Reduced Shakespeare Company's the Complete Works of William Shakespeare, abridged. Or, better yet, see it live.