Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The Lunch Runner

First, a brief note on the post title. It is a more clever – and possibly more accurate? – play off the best seller titled The Kite Runner. I wouldn’t call it an homage to that title. More like an improvement. Waiting for my call from Oprah. And a future VH1 Where Are They Now? special. Movie rights? Yes, please.

Today, I’m going to be ‘that guy’. Not the guy with the unshaven face, permanently congealed to Adidas wind pants, walking the dog at all hours of the day. The guy everybody assumes doesn’t have a job and what a lazy sack of llama dung he must be and why does his lovely wife put up with him. And how many days in a row now has he worn those same gray wind pants and maroon sweatshirt?

I’m already THAT guy.*

No, I’m going to be that other guy. The guy running at noon. When others are racing to pick up their McDonald’s fat burger before their lunch hour expires, they’ll pass a certain hirsute runner knocking out a few miles. They’ll think ‘man, I really shouldn’t eat this Mickey D’s’ as they view my majestic stride and mesmerizingly taunt pecs that bounce once – for that is all they need to release their kinetic energy** in one quick snap out the nipple tops – with every foot fall. They’ll shove delicious salty French fried num nums into their holes and console themselves with the incorrect conclusion that, ‘sure, it’s easy for that guy to run. He’s unemployed. He’s one step up from a bum.’

My filly has already called me a hobo. Did I mention this? True story. My first day working from home, in fact. We were heading out the door for the drive to school and she viewed my whiskered chin (that may or may not have had a Frosted Flake shard caught in the lower southeastern quadrant), assemblage of mismatched, well-worn casual wear, and complete lack of time-angst anxiety on my face and innocently asked, “Dad, are you a hobo now? Cuz hobos don’t have jobs.”

I laughed (and immediately decided not to stoop down to retrieve the half-smoked menthol cigarette butt from the sidewalk – what a waste, right?) and explained to her the complex corporate financial maneuverings that led to the path in which daddy doesn’t shave or shower anymore. I’m not unemployed…I’m just de-officed, I concluded. She smiled – what a sweet condescending smile – and asked to be dropped off two blocks from school. Which was fine. I had kicked a rock next to the cigarette butt in an effort to conceal it during my corporate dynamic dissertation and was eager to retrieve it. Another bewindpanted Dad was walking his dog with a full beard (!) in the area at the time and that unemployed sonofabitch was not going to get it if I could help it.

Soon I’ll be lacing up for my inaugural lunch run. I’ll run by offices. I’ll run across busy intersections with folks hurrying to various business appointments. I’ll run by schools where my filly’s friends will ask ‘Is that your dad?’ and she’ll respond ‘No, that’s just some hobo I think.’ I’ll smile and wave as she turns and cries in humiliation.

I’ll do five or six miles. Just long enough to load up 15-20 emails to my Inbox. I’ll return sweaty and satisfied with full intentions to shower. But I better check the emails first. One leads to another and another and, before long, the sweat has dried and the nostrils don’t even recognize the stank. What’s the point of cleaning up now? Time to pick up the kids from school.

Back into the wind pants. Another day done.

I’m the lunch runner. I have a job though it doesn’t appear that I do. I exist in my own little world adjacent, but isolated, from everyone else….from normal societal hygiene customs. There are two types of people in the world: Those that wear wind pants to work and everyone else.

The lunch runners wear the wind pants. We may look and smell like hobos but we are not. We run on our lunch hour because we can. We don’t shower afterwards because we don’t have to.

I’m THAT guy.

Happy trails.

* I was explaining my new home-work dynamic to another soccer dad at my son’s practice the other day and he said “I wondered why you haven’t been shaving.” Yes, yes, it has begun.
** You loose pec'ed, slow nippled folks would require 3-4 bounces at a minimum.

24 comments:

Xenia said...

If only Cube Farter knew what he was missing out on.

Marlene said...

I want to wear the wind pants!!

Enjoy the lunch run. I have a habit of running at lunch despite working at an office with no shower. My co-workers are a lucky bunch.

Ace said...

Dang it, I had almost convinced myself I could make it through another day of inane drudgery in cubicle-land and you had to bring up the windpants!!! THE WINDPANTS!!! Curse you! Not the pants. I like my Adidas windpants...

RazZDoodle said...

I spent way too much time getting the definition of hirsute.

You're the windpants beneath my wings. See how I did that?

Kristina said...

I bet Huey Lewis wears wind pants to work. And speaking of your idol, aren't we due for a HL post?

Vanilla said...

At least you're still putting pants on. I hear that you haven't really given up on societal norms until you stop wearing pants completely.

Running and living said...

This is SO me on the two days I work from home. Maybe this is why my 4 year old tells me to pick him up from school late, too embarrassed...hm, something to think about:)

Marcus Grimm said...

Lunch running *rules.* Pretty soon you'll think the 5AMers are insane. I do.

Spike said...

just a few more weeks of this, and then they'll want you to move back into an office...don't let them drag you back in!!!

oh, I'll wave when I pass you with my Taco Bell for lunch.

Jess said...

I get to pick that guy once a week on my telework day. It's the best thing ever.

Morgan said...

When I was on vacation I felt so weird running during the middle of the day. I almost felt like I was doing something wrong... how do you live with yourself?!?!

I think you should get a t-shirt printed with your Filly's picture on it to wear on your run past her school, that would be epic!

Run on Lunch Runner, Run on!

Lily on the Road said...

I'm just so jealous that I'm speechless....LOL

X-Country2 said...

Mmmm, I don't know. There's a guy in my neighborhood who wears windpants and doesn't shave, and he claims to "worked from home" too.

Roisin said...

I'm with Vanilla on this one. At least you're still wearing pants, as opposed to the boxer-briefs-totally-count-as pants dude. *Shudder*

Robin said...

Ahh windpants - the only thing that "swishes" better than corduroy!

Rural Runner E said...

You are one lucky son of a gun, I sure wish I could work from home...do not know how much good I would be as a HS principal working from home...but I sure love a mid afternoon run....keep running and growing the stubble.

Adam said...

hope the lunch run went well. Also, hopefully you didn't have a conference call shortly afterwards. I think the only thing worse than "guy eating chips on the conference call" is "guy panting out of breath on the conference call"

Aka Alice said...

I don't know Nitmos...maybe you do need an office to go to. I mean windpants, really?

Just wait until the filly is a teenager. You'll need more than two blocks to drop her off.

nwgdc said...

I'm truly jealous. I have considered putting a shower in at work so that I too can be a lunch runner. Man, I hate those guys.

Vava said...

I stopped shaving over summer vacation and, at the end of that two weeks, my older son asked me to keep the beard. Haven't shaved since! And I still have to work in an office... One down, one to go...

Irish Cream said...

Hey, I'm not about to talk when it comes to this stuff. I DID make my decision to go to personal training school based solely on the fact that I can wear sweatpants every day. Unfortunately, the personal training nazis still require me to shower every day . . .

try running said...

If you pulled out a McChicken mid-run and wolfed it down like a GU packet, you might motivate a lot of people. People thinking, "Hey, Me and him, we're not so different. The only things I'm missing are those pants and a daily run."

Seriously. Oprah will be all over that.

sRod said...

I'm considering this move too: my new office is next to a gym, so I could easily put in a couple miles during lunch. But I'm super envious of your schedule flexiblility.

Danielle said...

As of November 1, I went from "work at home on dissertation in sweatpants" to "work in a lab with physicists who wouldn't noticed if I wore sweatpants since they are wearing the same shirt as yesterday."

So really, I do gussy up a little, just in case I run into a cute boy, but the standards are still pretty low.

DinIAinWA