Wednesday, October 07, 2009

EVICTED!

Hours turn to days; days to week; week to…more than a week. Where does the time go? My eyes have been hovering about two inches away from a bright, flickering computer monitor for the better part of three weeks now. My rods and cones are straining from exhaustion. My retinas have begun to detach themselves. I think I’m developing carpal tunnel for the first time since my teen years when Mary McHotty got that new mini-skirt. Work has been especially worky lately. It has gotten to the point where I’ve begun wearing a spelunker’s helmet on my off hours and redirected the light beam straight down into my eyes just to keep the pupils from dilating. I don’t want them going soft (and wide) on me now.

Every quarter end is particularly busy. I’m not an accountant though with the way I celebrate an unexpected $20 in the family budget you could be excused for thinking that. No, I’m one of the good guys.* My job facilitates people getting paid. Of course, those people are sometimes health insurance carriers or people with illness or terminal diseases but let’s focus on the positive. A $250 check in the mail always distracts one, at least temporarily, from renal disease. Or so I assume. I once won a free Coke from a bottle cap game and completely forgot about my foot blister so, extrapolating that out…

On top of all that, my company has EVICTED me from my plush, 6x6 neutral colored cubicle! In the frenzied quarter end rush, an e-mail BINGed into my e-box telling me to e-getthehellout. In two weeks.

I’m not fired. No, they made it pretty clear that the company has a place for someone with my squared jaw and ample shoulders. (I could tell they were implying this by their choice of the more angular Courier New text type for my email versus the others' Arial.) It’s just that this place is now at home. Or at a local coffee shop where I can be ‘that guy’ sitting at a table for 6 hours sipping a mocha latte and wearing a Bluetooth.

So, on top of finger flying, retina burning, blog depriving work, I’ve also got to pack up my cube, carve out a place at home – which for the time being will be my kitchen table – and move the hell out of the office. I’ve been evicted. My cube has been foreclosed (did you already read the footnote? Bankers are jerks, aren’t they?) I’ve spent the last two days shredding documents like former officials holding torture memos. These documents seemed important when they were at work and stored in my desk. Now that I need to carry them home? Funny. They don’t seem so important anymore.

And now I have to deal with working from home issues. I really don’t need to shower anymore. I can wear my boxer shorts and a t-shirt all day, all night, and all the next day again (and the day after that? Maybe.) Shaving? Not a chance. Deodorant will be optional. I’ll be sitting within feet of my running shoes. Lunch time runs are now a reality! I don’t even have to shower when I get back. I can simply call into my next meeting with salty sweat hardening to my temples like concrete freed from the tired old "non-offensive odor" and "wearing the same clothes on multiple days" social memes.

There are some real advantages to this. Oprah. Dr. Phil. Is Springer still on? I don’t know but I’ll soon find out!

I will miss the anal symphony Cube Farter performs for me every afternoon. But I can create one of my own now. I’ve learned my pinching techniques from the master.

Just me, my dog, my computer and phone, my boxers, my running shoes and no social customs or expectations hanging over my head.

This can’t end well.

Happy trails.

* Incidentally, with all the well deserved negative press health insurance companies are getting these days, let’s not forget who really wears the black hat in this struggling economy. Bankers. We shouldn’t forget about the economy-killing, panda-murdering bankers.

32 comments:

BrianFlash said...

At least you don't have to drive to and fro for a little while. Think of the enormous savings on your energy budget!

Jamoosh said...

I knew it. I knew Vanilla doing actual work would lead to no good.

Conference calls in boxers are a plus. However, I must admit that I look forward to projects that require me to travel - just to get out of the house.

Irene said...

Was the Cube Farter evicted as well?

Morgan said...

I bet Jamoosh is so jealous that you can essentially work in your underwear every.day.

Congrats on being evicted! I say you def got the better end of the deal! I'm very jealous of your running lunch breaks and sweaty phone conferences!

ShutUpandRun said...

well i guess there could be worse things than working at the kitchen table in your underwear. just wash your hands after you scratch your nuts.

Ace said...

I recommend combining the jettison of all the office social norms + a web cam so you can let everyone else still in the office know what they are missing...

p.s. When do certain staff members of the Tigers get evicted? How 'bout now?

B.o.B. said...

Hm. You forgot to add eating cereal for all 5 meals. (I know you will have extra meals sitting in front of a computer.)

Poor Mrs. Nitmos sounds like she is in for a real treat when she comes home from work. Or does she work at home too? Either way, sucks for her.

RazZDoodle said...

I'm with B.O.B on this one. Poor Mrs. Nitmos. Poor poor poor Mrs. Nitmos.

Of course, I thought that before you got evicted.

Marlene said...

Working from home?! I'm JEALOUS!

Katie A. said...

I am wicked jealous. What a kick-ass set up! You might actually make some real strides in running and kick some old PR's to the ground! Lucky bum! Enjoy! :)
And thanks for clarifying that it isn't the accountant's fault, it's the greedy bankers!

Spike said...

Umm, Oprah? You need to start watching Guiding Light; that show has been on forever!

Jess said...

jealous, jealous, jealous. I wish I could work from home full time!

Kristina said...

Brian works from home. Mrs. Nitmos has my most sincere condolences. I suspect she, too, will haul off to Australia for 3 weeks at some point in the not-too-distant future.

Vanilla said...

Thanks, nothing fills me with glee quite like a good eviction story. I laughed so hard in my pinstriped suit that I almost knocked the piles of money off my mahogany desk.

Viper said...

Ah, so you're the reason why my deductible keeps going up, while Vanilla is destroying my 401(k).

Lily on the Road said...

Mrs. Nitmos, please call 1-800 Holiday....the Inn will always take you & the kids in.

Why does the odour of cheesey sweat permeate from this post? ....hmmmm

theloosemoose said...

I'm insanely jealous. But are you REALLY gonna be able to get any work done? I'd probably do a lot more running if I worked from home.

nwgdc said...

so you were the cube farter all along, and your co workers have finally had enough, huh.

Lisa Slow-n-Steady said...

evicted?!? the nerve!!

Running and living said...

This year I work from home 2 days a week. I dilly dally a lot. I drink lots of tea. I snack a lot. Tough life:)

aham23 said...

working from home is so NOT overated. especially for those who like to get that run or ride in before o-dark-thirty. as for cube farter, just up the fiber and close your eyes. enjoy.

Meg Runs said...

Many would KILL for your position...home? Jammies? Ah...

mr loser said...

FWIW: I run a successful company, full time, from an extra bedroom in our house. When I started the firm fifteen years ago, everyone thought it was nuts; now everyone wants to do it. If you can use one room for just work, you'll avoid distractions. A door will enable you to "close" the place during off hours. Good luck, enjoy it and the lunch runs.

aron said...

wow i wish i could work from home!!! evict me work!

Ms. V. said...

Lucky Bastard.

The Enthusiast said...

Working from home is the bees knees! You can even run at strange times like 10:18 a.m. :-D

Adam said...

Since I travel, I'm able to work from home every Friday. The best part is not only lunch time runs but also lunch time showers. For some reason a shower at noon is the BEST.

One issue has always been convincing my wife that I can't do household chores while "hanging out" at home. Good luck what THAT.

Sun Runner said...

So when Spike and I drive by your house reallllyyyyy sloooowwwwllllly like we did the other night, we'll see you working at all hours, right? ;)

joyRuN said...

Congrats on the eviction!

Please DO shower once in a while. There's still Mrs. Nitmos & kids to consider.

sRod said...

Eck--I'd hate to work from home. I've tried, it doesn't work. Cable and acess to food 24/7 do not suit me.

Danielle in Iowa said...

I have now begun home dissertation writing. I haven't showered in two days. How long do you think I can go?! I'm injured so I can't run - why else does one need to bathe?

Irish Cream said...

Man, that's totally what I was going for when I gave up my tiny interior office . . . but the joke was on me since they actually stopped paying me. Crap. I should have waited until I got evicted . . .

Lucky man! I am certainly jealous!