I have to admit, this post title is a little more provocative than I intended. But I knew that you, the notoriously slack-jawed F.M.S. reader, would never make the connection so I let ‘er rip. Folks, hate to disappoint, but there is more to life than nose-picking, lottery tickets, 40 ouncers of malt liquor, vague references to 70’s era porno and this blog. Expand your horizons. There’s a whole series of vampire themed books out there. And vampire themed movies. And vampire themed TV shows. Cartoons. Anime. Merchandise. Oh, and vampire themed Halloween costumes. See? Lots of stuff.
My one and only first wife, Mrs. Nitmos, is part of our Detroit Marathon (Oct. 18) relay team, the Steers Long Distance Project. We’ll be toeing the line 9 days from now in sunny (overcast) and beautiful (dilapidated) downtown (burnt out) Detroit (not Chicago)! Not only will Mrs. Nitmos be doing Detroit, the entire four person team will be doing Detroit! It’ll be a regular ole gang…never mind.
This will be Mrs. Nitmos’ first race ever and I’m pretty proud of her for putting in the training, overcoming a hip injury*, complaining about having to go for a run, but slavishly doing it anyway and sucking the enjoyment right out of the event. You’re a runner now, hon!
We’ve had a series of unfortunate events leading to this relay: One team member decided to violently push his face into the dashboard of his ATV just to experience broken ribs and a wired jaw. Selfish! After that, our five person team became four. And I became two people** as far as the relay is concerned. One relay member – a non-runner - is hoping to start his training soon so you can guess how his 4.4 mile leg might go. Mrs. Nitmos’ hip injury has finally healed. And then, to top it off, the Detroit Marathon folks made us all run out and buy passports, since the race goes briefly into Canada, and then subsequently (really, at the last possible minute before you would never get your passport in time for the race) decided that only the people actually running into Canada needed the passport. By then, our team had already shelled out the bucks amidst much grumbling about how much this relay was costing. Screwed for being pro-active!
Turns out, after all the musical chairs of leg assignments, I’m the only one that needed the passport as I’ll be doing the first two legs: into Canada over the bridge and back into the U.S. through the underwater tunnel for a total of 12.2 miles.
The thing I’m most excited about is the chance for Mrs. Nitmos to be part of a marathon event rather than waiting patiently for hours on end at a finish line. I’m hoping she gets the full experience: the cheering crowds, the wayward snot rocket, the adrenaline rush, the a-hole spectator who shouts “Almost there!” when you are no where close to being done, and, of course, the grabbing, painful calf cramp. Well, maybe not the calf cramp. I’ll save that just for myself. Apparently.
Though I tease Detroit – it’s an easy target after all – the race is actually pretty cool. And the city itself needs some sympathy. It’s like the punch drunk former champion with cauliflower ears and arthritic hands trying to rise off the mat before the 10 count. You can’t help but cheer it on.
The SDLP will be doing Detroit. Mrs. Nitmos will be doing the north end neighborhoods, specifically. All of us will be leaving with a satisfied smile on our face. After all, who knows if we’ll ever do it again. Who knows if Mrs. Nitmos will ever run another race? Probably not in Detroit anyhow.
Nobody wants sloppy...never mind.
* Her first runner’s injury. Brought a tear to my eye like when you see your child take his first steps. Or when your favorite college team wins the Rose Bowl.
** This is actually a reduction for me as well since I generally consider myself having the “strength of 10 men.”
Good luck to all of the Chicago marathoners this weekend!!
I see many of you are envious that I'll be working from home from now on. One person asked about the fate of Cube Farter. I'll let him know you were concerned. Yes, me, Cube Farter, all of us will be going home to work. It wasn't just me that was evicted. I've already reworked the family budget to lower the amount spent on gas and shampoo but raise the amount spent on toilet paper and coffee. (Unless I can steal enough supplies before I leave...)