Monday, April 06, 2009

The View From Mt. Snarky

Officially, here endeth my two month long sabbatical. Period. Moving on.

That’s not to say I might not disappear again unexpectedly for days at a time as sudden, seismic work demands occur. These intermittent breaks might be a new F.M.S. way of life going forward in this ruinous, employee slash and burn, economic landscape.

Right now, I am Hailing Caesar.
I’m asking “How high?” in response to decisive commands to elevate.
I’m lying my ass off and telling the boss he’s the Fairest One of All as he preens in front of Nitmos, the Magic Mirror.

I’m not saying I’m kissing a lot of boss ass these days. I’m just saying my lunch seems to consist of an unusual amount of partially digested corn pieces and the odd peanut or two. And fingernails. My boss is the nervous sort.

If I disappear again, I expect it’ll be measured by days rather than weeks or months. No more than my average crack induced blackout typically lasts though.

So, what did I learn on my sabbatical? What insights did I discover about my True Self?

Well, I bought a new pair of jeans. They fit nice. And some new dress casual shoes to match my khaki pants. I ruminated for awhile about how I don’t have to shovel snow off the drive these days or cut the lawn. I have no outside yard work whatsoever for the next few weeks.

Yes, I couldn’t blend into suburbia any better. If there is a common shade of tan, I might just be that.

Professionally, physically, financially, I’m pretty average. Look out your window, I might be that guy there. Or that guy over there. Or, more likely, that bewitching fella over there with the Cheshire cat grin and the coal-to-diamond forming buttocks.

But there is one area in which I excel: Snarkiness.

My journey of self discovery brought me to the foot of a hill. A mound. Nay, a mountain. A mountain formed of tangled arms, legs, race bibs, and tears of disillusioned runners.

There was but one way to go: Up.

I have spent the past few months ascending Mt. Snarky to assume my throne. I have grabbed hold of the twisted, knotted calf muscles of defeated runners and pulled myself up inch by inch. I have leveraged my feet on the contorted, dehydrated jawbones of failed marathoners. I have mopped my sweaty brow with the pony-tailed mane of the female runner (or, on occasion, that of the rare aging, hippie male.) The wind beneath my wings has been the groaning breaths of agony beneath my heels.

It took me two months to climb this mangled pile of roadside runner wreckage. After cresting the summit, I scanned the horizon. Sure, there were taller surrounding mountains, basking in sunlight, built on a foundation of happy race reports and inspiring training tales. I looked down at the carcasses below my throne and the shadowy foundation of near-miss PR’s and disappointed race reports. I threw my arms out, tilted my head back, and let out an echoing muwahahaha.

This is my mountain. These are my souls and soles.

And, yes, there is a cold breeze that blows here. My pasties can not down umbrella fold over my distended nipples to attach to my areola. I’m as naked as a jaybird. A nippled, cold jaybird. A nippled, cold, jaybird with diamond forming buttocks.

Others can occupy Mt. Positive and Mt. Motivation. I’m quit content here on Mt. Snarky. I have settled in to view the horizon and drum my fingers on the handrails as I dream up blog posts. You might wonder what a throne cushion made of broken dreams feels like. A lot like velvet, surprisingly.

I’m back. I have a full tank of snark. I’m ready to regale you with more tales of running, racing, and rife.*

My mountain might not be the tallest. In fact, it’s pretty average sized.** But I know how to use it and that is all that matters.

Or so Mrs. Nitmos tells me.

Happy trails.

* That should be “life” but it ruined my alliteration.
** But girthy!

_________________________________________

Flying Pig Marathon training is proceeding on schedule. I'm going to come in a little light on the mileage for this "fun run" marathon but I'm okay with that as a PR and BQ are not the goals. Last several Sunday long runs have been: 16, 13, 17, 18.5, 15, 20, and 14 miles. This Sunday is the 21 miler and then taper!

32 comments:

Jess said...

Glad to have you back!

Vanilla said...

I really want to make a snarky remark here, but in honor of your Ali-like return to the ring I'll just say "welcome back" for today. I've waited this long to be condescending, I can hold it in for a few more days.

Kristina said...

"Snarky" is both my favorite word and my most obvious personality trait, which is a way of saying that I am very happy to have you back in blogland.

RazZDoodle said...

it's like you were never gone.

Melissa said...

I can only dream about running, but I love snark. Unless it's from Republicans.

I'm glad you're back.

Chad in the AZ Desert said...

Who are you again?

X-Country2 said...

Welcome back from your climb.

tfh said...

I don't know, Mt. Snarky sounds mighty lonely. Don't you need someone to knit you new pasties up there?

Dawn said...

When a hernia occurs a part of the bowel or abdominal fat, normally within the abdomen, protrudes out through a weakened part. An inguinal hernia is the commonest type and occurs in the groin.

Marlene said...

Welcome back!

aron said...

YAY glad to have you back :)

we are on the same schedule... one more week until taper!

Jess said...

FINALLY! Just in time for your taper too. After all this rest we'll expect some Snarky A-Game.

Roisin said...

I've been suffering from a lack of snark. Bring it.

Vava said...

Welcome back, and in good form it seems. Now I can waste more time at work...

Crabby McSlacker said...

Welcome back!

And I believe Mount Snarky may be in the same range as Mount Cranky--yep, I can see you from here!

But wait...your mountain is taller. Damn. So unfair!

RunToFinish said...

you could have just admitted that you totally missed us

joyRuN said...

Well well well. Welcome back - it's about damn time.

Stop talking about your ass, or you'll have a certain Glaven Q. Heisenberg knocking down your door.

nwgdc said...

"I have grabbed hold of the twisted, knotted calf muscles of defeated runners..."
Does that mean you're actually stretching right now? Grabbing YOUR twisted and knotted calf muscles as you loosen up the hammies?
If so, be careful. I'd hate to see you ruin your return with a cramp.

Richard said...

Good to have you back!

-R

Spike said...

I'm surprised you didn't get a calf cramp posting its been so long. Welcome back!

Merry said...

I didn't really have a comment to leave, but the Word Verification was so apt that I had to post it here:

whingsti - the flippantly irrelevant type of whinging that typifies "Snark" in all its glory.

The Laminator said...

Great to have you back, Nitmos...specially with the snarkiness!

AKA Alice said...

Wait am minutes...you are "a nippled, cold, jaybird with diamond forming buttocks???"

That's just a disturbing visual...and yet, I'm laughing at it...

Welcome back!

Danielle in Iowa said...

My word verification was "renimena."

That is far to close to re-enima for my liking.

how about instead:

renimena: a throne cushion material containing broken dreams; velvety in nature.

Velma said...

Welcome Back! Just don't make a snarky remark about the game last night.

Jessica said...

Can't wait for the daily snarkfest. Welcome back Nitmos.

Richard said...

Thanks for the message. You are too fast for me. BQ is probably not in the cards for me, but YOU are scared of the water...

Marathon Maritza said...

Mt. Snarky would be nothing without us peasants and our mangled running parts...you totally just need us. :)

Welcome back!!!

Beth said...

Whew! Vanilla needs you around to keep his ego in check. Thank goodness you are back!

theloosemoose said...

Welcome back and may I just add, "It's about freakin' time!!!!"

Thanks for that delectable sounding recipe for Boss Man asserole. You can't go wrong with corn, peanuts and the occassional finger nail.

Jes said...

Don't tell me you actually fell for the ol' "It's not the size that counts" line?!? That's the male equivalent of telling a flat chested chick (like myself, sadly) that "anything more than a mouthful is a waste."

sRod said...

"The king has returned"--the first Disney reference comment.

Happy to have you back, may the snarkery begin.