Father's Day (Non) Race Report

Wherein I make a lame comparison to a day being like a race and make completely unwarranted jokes at my - and my family's - expense for your amusement.

Morning Hours 8:00 – Noon

I awoke yesterday ready for another gift filled, praise accepting Father’s Day. I believe I trained properly (i.e. dropped the appropriate number of hints, been unusually kind to the kids in the lead in days.) And I know I’ve earned it. Trophy #1 and Trophy #2 have benefited from another year under my tutelage. They have really started to accept that Dad simply isn’t going to make that much money and that they’ll have to adjust to having very little.

Curiously, as my eyes fluttered open, the wife and kids were not applauding in a semi-circle around my bed!? My wife was not holding a silver platter full of delicious fruits, breads and spreads. My kids were not holding out a robe and slippers. Even the new puppy failed to bring in the newspaper. No one was to be found. The only company I had was the stale smell of unventilated body odor.

What the hell? Ungrateful bastards.

Ah, but they must be out polishing my new Waverunner. What a surprise!

Nope. I found the kids like every other morning: watching Sponge Bob and picking their noses. The forced smiles and reminders to “wish Dad a Happy Father’s Day” were truly heartfelt. I smiled and hugged each of them whispering to each in an almost imperceptible tone ‘ungrateful’. Consciously, they didn’t seem to hear but subconsciously is where that would be felt.

Afternoon Hours Noon – 6:00

The hours are moving along pretty swiftly here. I’m well hydrated. My nutrition has been okay. The kids are being spanked at their regular intervals. I'm keeping Mrs. Nitmos busy trying to keep me happy.

The hot air balloon, filled with the original 1970’s cast of Charlie’s Angels to take me on a sky tour of the area with champagne, cheese and gentle temple massages, never materialized. Weird. (sigh) Another year without knowing Bosley’s touch…

Evening Hours 6:00 – 11:00

I’m getting a little run down by this point but it’s almost over. The day of my worship is close to ending. Time to soak the family for all I can get. I have prepared a list of ways I have benefited the kids’ lives and gathered them for the ceremonial reading. I close the list with the dramatic pronouncement that ‘they wouldn’t be here if not for me’ and, of course, Jagermeister.

By this time, Mrs. Nitmos has wrapped the kids around and pulled them close in an almost guarded fashion. To the casual observer, it would appear she’s being cautious toward a threatening stranger but I know it’s because she doesn’t want me to hurt my eyes trying to see each of them if they were all spread out across the room. I could get a neck kink or strain an eyeball. It’s yet another magical Father’s Day gift!

Despite the special day, chores and other tasks still needed to be done. And that meant only one thing: Time for me to go for a long run. With the chicken dinner sitting like a rock in my gut, I proceeded on my late evening 10 miler. I could hear the wife and kids let loose with wild applause as I closed the door behind me. What a wonderful send off (though they might have started the celebration before I actually shut the door so I could take in the full effect!)

The heat and humidity took its toll but I managed to complete the planned distance. I had hoped the stowaway in my lower G.I. would pull a DB Cooper and parachute out at some point mid flight. No luck.

10.0 miles*
1:09:07
6:55 pace

Back home, the kids settled into bed. They looked at me with tired, fearful eyes as I again reminded them that everything they had was owed to me. And, I believe, Mrs. Nitmos played a roll as well. If they ever create a Mother’s Day, she can strut around like an arrogant peacock also.

I completed Father’s Day in the expected time and pace. It was not a PR nor did I LQ.** However, the family showed how much I truly mean to them by my gift. As my wife and kids huddled together during my reading of my fatherly accomplishments, Mrs. Nitmos through, what can only be described as tears of joy...and sobs, blurted out:

“You’ll never know how much we actually love you.”

A bit cryptic but, I think, really a wonderful thing to say.***

The Finish

The stats for the day:

0 Waverunners
3 utterances of “Ungrateful”. (If you took the under, you win!)
0 visits by Charlie’s Angels
0 temple rubs by Bosley
1 solid long run
1 reference to Jagermeister

* My 15k split was at 1:04:30 which would be a new PR for me by nearly 3 minutes! Unfortunately, it was not in an officially timed race so, sadly, it doesn’t count.
** Lap dance Qualify.
*** Of course, none of this actually happened except the part about the long run. Mrs. Nitmos, the kids and I had a terrific day.**** It’s also true though that I didn’t get a hot air balloon ride with the 1970’s version of the Charlie’s Angels.
**** I wanted to note the return of the multiple, over indulgent use of the footnote!! Also, I wanted to note for posterity how lucky I am to have a wife and kids such as mine. Or, at least, ones very similar.