Monday, June 16, 2008

Father's Day (Non) Race Report

Wherein I make a lame comparison to a day being like a race and make completely unwarranted jokes at my - and my family's - expense for your amusement.

Morning Hours 8:00 – Noon

I awoke yesterday ready for another gift filled, praise accepting Father’s Day. I believe I trained properly (i.e. dropped the appropriate number of hints, been unusually kind to the kids in the lead in days.) And I know I’ve earned it. Trophy #1 and Trophy #2 have benefited from another year under my tutelage. They have really started to accept that Dad simply isn’t going to make that much money and that they’ll have to adjust to having very little.

Curiously, as my eyes fluttered open, the wife and kids were not applauding in a semi-circle around my bed!? My wife was not holding a silver platter full of delicious fruits, breads and spreads. My kids were not holding out a robe and slippers. Even the new puppy failed to bring in the newspaper. No one was to be found. The only company I had was the stale smell of unventilated body odor.

What the hell? Ungrateful bastards.

Ah, but they must be out polishing my new Waverunner. What a surprise!

Nope. I found the kids like every other morning: watching Sponge Bob and picking their noses. The forced smiles and reminders to “wish Dad a Happy Father’s Day” were truly heartfelt. I smiled and hugged each of them whispering to each in an almost imperceptible tone ‘ungrateful’. Consciously, they didn’t seem to hear but subconsciously is where that would be felt.

Afternoon Hours Noon – 6:00

The hours are moving along pretty swiftly here. I’m well hydrated. My nutrition has been okay. The kids are being spanked at their regular intervals. I'm keeping Mrs. Nitmos busy trying to keep me happy.

The hot air balloon, filled with the original 1970’s cast of Charlie’s Angels to take me on a sky tour of the area with champagne, cheese and gentle temple massages, never materialized. Weird. (sigh) Another year without knowing Bosley’s touch…

Evening Hours 6:00 – 11:00

I’m getting a little run down by this point but it’s almost over. The day of my worship is close to ending. Time to soak the family for all I can get. I have prepared a list of ways I have benefited the kids’ lives and gathered them for the ceremonial reading. I close the list with the dramatic pronouncement that ‘they wouldn’t be here if not for me’ and, of course, Jagermeister.

By this time, Mrs. Nitmos has wrapped the kids around and pulled them close in an almost guarded fashion. To the casual observer, it would appear she’s being cautious toward a threatening stranger but I know it’s because she doesn’t want me to hurt my eyes trying to see each of them if they were all spread out across the room. I could get a neck kink or strain an eyeball. It’s yet another magical Father’s Day gift!

Despite the special day, chores and other tasks still needed to be done. And that meant only one thing: Time for me to go for a long run. With the chicken dinner sitting like a rock in my gut, I proceeded on my late evening 10 miler. I could hear the wife and kids let loose with wild applause as I closed the door behind me. What a wonderful send off (though they might have started the celebration before I actually shut the door so I could take in the full effect!)

The heat and humidity took its toll but I managed to complete the planned distance. I had hoped the stowaway in my lower G.I. would pull a DB Cooper and parachute out at some point mid flight. No luck.

10.0 miles*
6:55 pace

Back home, the kids settled into bed. They looked at me with tired, fearful eyes as I again reminded them that everything they had was owed to me. And, I believe, Mrs. Nitmos played a roll as well. If they ever create a Mother’s Day, she can strut around like an arrogant peacock also.

I completed Father’s Day in the expected time and pace. It was not a PR nor did I LQ.** However, the family showed how much I truly mean to them by my gift. As my wife and kids huddled together during my reading of my fatherly accomplishments, Mrs. Nitmos through, what can only be described as tears of joy...and sobs, blurted out:

“You’ll never know how much we actually love you.”

A bit cryptic but, I think, really a wonderful thing to say.***

The Finish

The stats for the day:

0 Waverunners
3 utterances of “Ungrateful”. (If you took the under, you win!)
0 visits by Charlie’s Angels
0 temple rubs by Bosley
1 solid long run
1 reference to Jagermeister

* My 15k split was at 1:04:30 which would be a new PR for me by nearly 3 minutes! Unfortunately, it was not in an officially timed race so, sadly, it doesn’t count.
** Lap dance Qualify.
*** Of course, none of this actually happened except the part about the long run. Mrs. Nitmos, the kids and I had a terrific day.**** It’s also true though that I didn’t get a hot air balloon ride with the 1970’s version of the Charlie’s Angels.

**** I wanted to note the return of the multiple, over indulgent use of the footnote!! Also, I wanted to note for posterity how lucky I am to have a wife and kids such as mine. Or, at least, ones very similar.


Kristina said...

this makes me feel so much better about giving my husband Twizzlers for Fathers Day.

Anonymous said...

Do any of you feel sorry for me yet?My Nitmos is quite a "catch" isn't he?
...Mrs Nitmos

Blyfinn said...

Thanks for the insight on my race report. I have started to come to the conclusion that also that I started out to fast. I was trying for a PR and became a little to anxious. Thanks for the tip. It will surely be tested next timeout!

nwgdc said...

another appearance by mrs nitmos in the comments! that, my friend, is a true father's day gift!

Topher said...

You should work for Hallmark! I'd buy cards written by you, about you. And you're right, there SHOULD be a Mother's Day! Why should us Dad's get all the glory?

Viper said...

Great! Now I have this bizarre mental image of a turd parachuting to the ground with a suitcase full of money.

Xenia said...

Mrs. Nitmos--LOL! I've felt sorry for you for a while now, but also deep admiration for your ability to put up with it all for this long. :)

Brian said...

Looks like our days were pretty close. I've been married for 16 years, and my kids are 9 and 5, and they are completely over me.
My Waverunner has to be with yours, but I haven’t seen the UPS truck yet so I'm still holding out hope.

But 10 miles in 1:06, come on dude, you making me look bad.

All kidding aside, we did make it to the water park for some wave pool fun and ice cream.

Marcy said...

Mrs Nitmos is a smart and crafty woman. There is but only one reason why she'd put up with such behavior . . . a HUGE life insurance policy that needs to be cashed in . . .soon :P

Glad you had a Happy Father's Day :-)

Kevin said...

Good to hear you had a great fathers day. Thats an impressive run too

Crabby McSlacker said...

Happy* Fathers** Day***!

*Or at least not Unhappy

**I should have put an apostrophe in there I guess? Unless perhaps there are two of you.

***By "Day" I don't mean actual Father's Day, which has passed by now--I'm just passing on the general sentiment that people who raise kids deserve good wishes at least once a year.

****OK, gratuitous footnotes are kinda fun. I'm not sure I'm grateful to you for this discovery.

Jeff said...

I musta missed something -- I had the impression that Mrs. Nitmos and the trophies worshiped the ground on which you walked pretty much 24-7.

Obviously, I screwed up. You're just like the rest of us -- much more normal than you think you are!

The 311 Boys Mom said...

I had my hungover, still in bed at 3pm (he only got up for food/beverage & bathroom, ALL DAY--it was the US Golf thing) hubby close his eyes while i recited a card from my witty brain. I wasn't 'feeling' the whole "Father Day thing this year for him; nor did I think he was worth me spending $3- on a card.

Sounds like you made out like a bandit!!

Lisa - Slow & Steady said...

That idea about a the possible creations of a "Mother's Day"...I like it.

Lily on the Road said...

That's the second time Marcy has referenced a large life insurance policy...hmmmm, is she and Mrs. Nitomos in cahoots???

Just asking...

What a great concept "Mother's Day" who would have thought!!!! LMAO...

I still say Mrs. Nitmos is a Saint!

Steve Stenzel said...

Mmmmm.... Jagermeister.

Nice stats on the day!!!


Viv said...

The Mrs. comment is priceless! Will the Mrs. consider a guest post pherhaps. With tons of footnotes.

Scott said...

LOL... Fatherhood is good stuff! Great run...