Monday, July 14, 2008

5k Report: Bountiful Harvest

I’m not saying I achieved my farcical goal. I’m just saying there was fruit covered in a chocolatey substance on the ground underneath my posterior when I bent down to remove my ChampionChip post race. Of course, it had been raining all morning and that could have been mud. And this was the Cherry Festival so you would expect cherries to be lying around everywhere…Still, quite a coincidence I think. Clearly, I erred in suggesting the fruit to project from my anus would be strawberries when everyone knows that chocolate covered cherries are the typical celebratory expellent.

Anyway, judging by the harvest beneath me, I was leaving a trail like a rabbit.

I achieved my race goals save one.

I did not detonate.

I disassociated my legs from my brain though the redirection to my kidneys failed. Instead, my abdomen muscles are pissed off like I tried to lift a Mack truck off a box of kittens (again).

Unfortunately, try as I might, I could not dislodge another runner’s shoe. I stood close to the front of the start line and the little buggers took off like a shot. I should have tried to pick on a naïve first timer instead. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Live and learn.

Anyhow, the morning torrential down pour gave way to a slow trickle the moment Mrs. Nitmos deposited me at a park ½ mile from the start line. My ready made failure excuse was yanked away at the last minute. Oh, well, nothing left to do but run. Run hard. Or lie.

2008 Miss America, Kirstin Haglund, was there to sing the national anthem. Apparently she was taking a break from important policy matters to start us off with a fine rendition.

The one thing I truly appreciate about my normally meticulous nature is the ability to craft, study, and rehash race strategy and then, upon the firing of the starting horn, completely throw the plans out the window and run like a rabid hyena being chased by a pack of lions.

Off I went all hyenaesque recording a first mile in 5:47. Pretty much nowhere near the 6:05 or so I had planned. But look at me! Nothing could go wrong. I can run like this all day! It’s the race of a lifetime!

Second mile: 6:09. Damn my legs feel heavy. What happened? I’m not a gazelle. I’m an antelope with moderate hip dysplasia.

Oh, that’s right. I was going to run this as a simulation of the 800’s I had been training lately. You know, ½ mile hard and followed up with about a minute of relaxed running before turning it back up again. Remember? That was the plan. But plans don’t shoot delicious summer fruits from their ass. They don’t even have asses. To hell with assless plans.

May as well keep flailing away and finish the race now. The final mile is through downtown where a crowd is starting to gather for the post race parade. I’m already picking out one spectator on each block to punch in the throat if my 19 minute Garmin detonation fires. It doesn’t. Final mile rose further to 6:17.

My Garmin recorded 18:32. Official race results say 18:30. I’ll go with theirs.

Garmin also said I ran only 3.06 miles instead of 3.11. I’m a big fan of rounding to the tenths position though.

That’s when I noticed the chocolate covered cherries on the ground directly beneath me. I’m actually doing it. Oh, why didn’t I make my farcical goal Gold Dubloons from my Anus!?! Regret!

Later, after the parade, I wandered back to the park for the official posted results. Turns out, I came in second in my age group! Good enough to score one of those medals that this Summer of Speed is all about. Unfortunately, I didn’t stick around long enough after finishing to get my Olympic style platform photo op. I had to do it solo instead. And hope they’ll mail that medal to me as they closed up shop and went home.

Here’s me lamenting my failure to finish 1st in my age group.
Here’s me celebrating my second place finish.

Mrs. Nitmos did a nice job reminding me that I did not occupy the top spot the rest of the weekend as only she can. But that’s a story for another day (probably Wednesday).

Finally, I can update a PR on my PR list. Drum roll please as I change that 19:36 to 18:30. Cymbal crash. Thank you very much.

Happy trails.


Numbers? Yes, numbers:

Official time: 18:30
Official pace: 5:58/mile
Overall place: 49th of 1484
Age group: 2nd of 74


Teacher Pursuits said...

WOW! That is seriously fast. Congratulations!!!

Unknown said...

Congratulations! That has to feel great. I'm a little jealous. I guess you have just raised the bar.

Jess said...

Congrats on the PR! Those are some seriously speedy times!

Jeff said...

My heartfelt condolences on your not achieving all of your race goals. Maybe next time.

Marci said...

Congratulations, you killed your time goal. As for the fruit of your anus, eeewwwww... Seriously though, amazing job!

Marcy said...

CONGRATS homie! That's crazy fast ;D

Dude that's a lot of runners in there with you. You could not have tripped one of them? Not one?

Ian said...

Congrats on the PR, even though I don't think it should count since your Garmin only showed 3.06 miles. I guess we'll never know what your time would have been had you run the full 3.11.

Congrats again though, 18:30 is pretty impressive for a 4.92K.

Aron said...

WHOA that is faaaaaaaaaaast!!! awesome job and congrats on the PR!

Anonymous said...

Nice race, How much time did the first place guy in your age group toast you by?

B. Kramer said...

How disappointing. You shat the wrong fruit, didn't explode and didn't harm anyone else in the making of this post.

But I guess that new PR is something. Congrats on that! Boo to the rest.

Kevin said...

Congrats on the PR. Hope noone was around you when whatever it was came out of your arse

Kristina said...

Yeehaw! So impressive I will overlook the fact that you appear to be wearing bloomers in those photos.

The Laminator said...

Nice job, Nitmos. I knew I was betting under...but not THAT under! Beating 5K PR by a whole minute...dang! Very impressive. You should change your Summer of Speed designation to Summer of Super Speed!

Razz said...

You're the Bette Midler to my Barbara Hershey. Nicely done.

My Wings

C said...

Well done you fast bastard! That's not the Thundercats logo on your shirt, is it?

Unknown said...

Only one question...did Miss America manage to stay on her two feet this time?

Viv said...

Congratulations!! 2nd in your AG?!? you got some quickies out there in Michigan.

Unknown said...

Very nice. Man, you have some fast age groupers to contend with.

Lily on the Road said...

Good job on farting out the 5K you speedy speedster!!1

The National Cherry Festival will never be the same!!!
Good JOB!

Unknown said...

Oh man, here I was thinking of bagging off today's speed work when I read your post. Mind you, I'll never beat your 5K time (and it probably will only be white chocolate-covered fruit flying out my bum), but at least I can say I tried.

Mike said...

nice PR,

Awesome time, freeing up the rest of your day to dive into the Slash book and crush your literacy PR and finishing a book in less than 6 months.

Man, you are speedy fast. Awesome job. Next time work on the spontaneous human combustion.

Anonymous said...

Are you standing on a "Special Olympics" podium?

What racing category did you sign up for exactly?

jen said...

Wow, you smashed your PR! Congrats on the race and AG place. Good report too. :)

Stuart said...

Damn you're nearly as quick as the preverbial off the shovel!

That's a nice way to start the Summer of Speed, congrats!

Oh yeah and just for you I fully intend to run past a strip this least one!

Scott said...

Sweet! Heck of a run!

chia said...

I feel like a rockstar when I have my bike going that fast :-D.

Great job Mister Nitmos!!!

Steve Stenzel said...

NICE JOB!! And isn't it easy to lose sight of pre-set race goals on race day?!? Why do we do that?

Arron said...

yeah you are fast. but you didnt trip anyone? failure in my book. lets practice this before your next race. later.

Meg said...

Congratulations on the speedy PR! I hope you had a good time at the cherry festival!

Anonymous said...

hey there---cant find your email here so Im leaving a comment.
lemmie know if youd wanna do a guest post ever?
if youd answer a few of the running questions I received yesterday as a sort of GuestExpert?

(also know that *I* know you must get asked often and that life is WAY BUSY so I understand if you've no time...)


KC Stine said...

Aah, the gift of speed.

Seems you had only one other runner to trip, then the dastardly plan would have been perfect!

Nice job my man.

Paul said...

Great job! Hanging on that well after a 5:47 start is a great indication of your fitness. I think you would be on the top tier of the podium if you could lock in on that 5:55 pace all the way. Let's see, 17:45 at 3 miles would have had you neck-and-neck with that Woods character. From there you would have used your best Roman chariot race tactics and he would have been toast.

P.S. How 'bout that Mo Love winning the 25-29 division? Did Ms. Haglund swoon over him?

Topher said...

So I'm several days behind in my reading, but the first thing I noticed was the Special Olympics logo on the podium. Then I see SteerSLDP already asked. I'm thinking we deserve an explanation.

Laura said...

Congratulations! You knocked the 19:00 goal out of the park!