Wednesday, February 03, 2010

(Ab)solutely! (And Mr. Rhetorical sucks.)

Get it? See what I did there by putting “Ab” in a parenthetical and drawing attention to it? Yeah, you get it. I can see the light bulb coming on. For many, it appears but a flicker…

It’s the 7th Annual National Ab Month!*

So soon? I haven’t shopped. Does Hallmark make a card? Something like on the outside: “Here’s something for you this month!” above a picture of beer cans. Open the card and it shouts: “A six pack! Happy National Ab Month!”

Damn, why didn’t I go into writing patter for greeting cards? I’ve got enough schmaltz to fill a can of Schlitz (or an equally awful can of schmaltz liquor). Ohhhh, see what I did there? Word play! Nailed it.

If you haven’t clicked the link, you should do so now. Mrs. Nitmos and I are the models. We are flanking our recently departed cousin Earl who, while possessing a aesthetically pleasing cross section of abdominal muscles, was not the brightest bulb (like many of you readers, see first paragraph) in the family chandelier. He took his modeling fee, invested in a long term annuity, and then allowed himself to be flayed like the cocky smart ass in a horror flick. Bad choice, Earlie. But it does provide you the wonderful pictures on the page. These are your (my) abdominal muscles. Now work them out!

There are countless articles extolling the virtues of core strengthening for runners. I won’t go into them here. I’m sure you can find more descriptive and beneficial articles by merely searching the net (though I assure you they’ll hardly be as sophomoric as this one). I’ve been coring for a few years. My core drugs of choice are crunches and stretchy bands.

Stretchy bands are wonderful. You can watch Cougar Town PBS and stretchy yourself to look just like me (after I started looking like me, of course). Easy. Also, for those inclined, very easy to take on road trips.

Crunches? Puh-leeze. I’m Cap’n Crunch. I’ll do over 500 a night (Sunday-Thursday only as the weekends are for undoing all that hard work with beer, candy and chips).

Mr. Rhetorical asks, “Why 500?”

Because I’m way too impatient to do fewer.

Mr. Rhetorical counters, “Couldn’t you get more out of slowing down and doing far fewer crunches but with a better technique?”

Yes, but as I mentioned, I’m extremely impatient and who mad you Mister Know-It-All?

Mr. Rhetorical won’t shut up about it, “Just how impatient are you exactly?”

Well, since you asked, here are examples of my impatience in an ascending order of comedic hilarity:
1) I pour coffee grounds and water into my mouth and swish rather than wait for Mr. Coffee to finish.
2) I never complete a blink. Who has the time?
3) I often wet myself because I zip up and walk away from the urinal before finishing. Better things to do.

I crunch like I’m abdominally rowing a boat away from a homicidal maniac (am I the cocky smart ass?) I crunch with feet under couch, feet on couch in a seated position, feet suspended in air in a reclined chair position, and alternating straight crunches with laterals. I crunch for about 15 minutes and then, quite often, go eat ice cream.

Mr. Rhetorical is back. “Has it worked?”

Do you see any dirty clothes around?**

I’ve read many articles on the proper core strengthening technique and I’m always disheartened to see most of my techniques on the Do Not Do This list. But I do do them. (snickers) I will continue to do do them…though, begrudgingly, I may try to incorporate some of the slow holding of positions. Maybe I’ll have Mrs. Nitmos yell Freeze! on occasion. She’d probably like that anyhow as I’d be less inclined to prematurely crunch.

I encourage all of you runner’s out there to start (or continue) some form of core training. I’m a believer. Mr. Rhetorical is a believer. The Situation is a believer. And you should always believe everything you see and read on the internet, right Mr. Rhetorical?

Why are you such a jackass?

Time’s up!

Happy National Ab Month and…

Happy crunching.

*How do I know? Because it’s on the internet, of course!
**Whose with me? Huh? Huh? Washboard!....if the washboard as only one rung.


Thanks to Roison for bringing this (non)holiday to my attention.


Jamoosh said...

I was about to forgive you for Cougar Town, then you link to The Situation. Heavy sigh.

Roisin said...

My ab work this week will be undone by Superbowl festivities on Sunday. There's always next week to crunch like a maniac...

Xenia said...

Oh christ, another strength training goal for me to fail. Yay.

Somebody hand me the m&ms...

Julie said...

I want a six pack!! I would settle for a four pack:) I really need to get my rear in gear and keep up my goals on obtaining those perfect sexy model like abs! Great post today and I love your examples of impatience:)

BrianFlash said...

Another delightful post on a meaningless topic! Well done as always.

Who would have thought we'd have a whole month devoted to abs?

Jessica said...

I seriously don't know where you come up with this stuff! Classic.

Ian said...

Cougar Town is awesome, I never miss it... though I might have missed the point of this post. Grrrrr, core work!

X-Country2 said...

Of course it Ab Month when I start looking noticably fat around the ab region and can't do anything about it. Good thing no one but you even knows such a month exists. You probably made it up.

Anonymous said...

So much pressure. Speedy legs AND rock hard abs? I think not. I'm sticking with my Pilates 100, and only then on days that rhyme with Blursday.

Adam said...

Adam, would you still eat them even if they DID call them Cap’n Carb?

yes, I would - and they would still taste glorious.

Jess said...

Haha I'm so fickle with core work. I rock it for one month and then suck at it the next. Ab work fail.

Anne said...

Funny and clever :) ...I'll be back!