It’s the 7th Annual National Ab Month!*
So soon? I haven’t shopped. Does Hallmark make a card? Something like on the outside: “Here’s something for you this month!” above a picture of beer cans. Open the card and it shouts: “A six pack! Happy National Ab Month!”
Damn, why didn’t I go into writing patter for greeting cards? I’ve got enough schmaltz to fill a can of Schlitz (or an equally awful can of schmaltz liquor). Ohhhh, see what I did there? Word play! Nailed it.
If you haven’t clicked the link, you should do so now. Mrs. Nitmos and I are the models. We are flanking our recently departed cousin Earl who, while possessing a aesthetically pleasing cross section of abdominal muscles, was not the brightest bulb (like many of you readers, see first paragraph) in the family chandelier. He took his modeling fee, invested in a long term annuity, and then allowed himself to be flayed like the cocky smart ass in a horror flick. Bad choice, Earlie. But it does provide you the wonderful pictures on the page. These are your (my) abdominal muscles. Now work them out!
There are countless articles extolling the virtues of core strengthening for runners. I won’t go into them here. I’m sure you can find more descriptive and beneficial articles by merely searching the net (though I assure you they’ll hardly be as sophomoric as this one). I’ve been coring for a few years. My core drugs of choice are crunches and stretchy bands.
Stretchy bands are wonderful. You can watch
Crunches? Puh-leeze. I’m Cap’n Crunch. I’ll do over 500 a night (Sunday-Thursday only as the weekends are for undoing all that hard work with beer, candy and chips).
Mr. Rhetorical asks, “Why 500?”
Because I’m way too impatient to do fewer.
Mr. Rhetorical counters, “Couldn’t you get more out of slowing down and doing far fewer crunches but with a better technique?”
Yes, but as I mentioned, I’m extremely impatient and who mad you Mister Know-It-All?
Mr. Rhetorical won’t shut up about it, “Just how impatient are you exactly?”
Well, since you asked, here are examples of my impatience in an ascending order of comedic hilarity:
1) I pour coffee grounds and water into my mouth and swish rather than wait for Mr. Coffee to finish.
2) I never complete a blink. Who has the time?
3) I often wet myself because I zip up and walk away from the urinal before finishing. Better things to do.
I crunch like I’m abdominally rowing a boat away from a homicidal maniac (am I the cocky smart ass?) I crunch with feet under couch, feet on couch in a seated position, feet suspended in air in a reclined chair position, and alternating straight crunches with laterals. I crunch for about 15 minutes and then, quite often, go eat ice cream.
Mr. Rhetorical is back. “Has it worked?”
Do you see any dirty clothes around?**
I’ve read many articles on the proper core strengthening technique and I’m always disheartened to see most of my techniques on the Do Not Do This list. But I do do them. (snickers) I will continue to do do them…though, begrudgingly, I may try to incorporate some of the slow holding of positions. Maybe I’ll have Mrs. Nitmos yell Freeze! on occasion. She’d probably like that anyhow as I’d be less inclined to prematurely crunch.
I encourage all of you runner’s out there to start (or continue) some form of core training. I’m a believer. Mr. Rhetorical is a believer. The Situation is a believer. And you should always believe everything you see and read on the internet, right Mr. Rhetorical?
Why are you such a jackass?
Happy National Ab Month and…
*How do I know? Because it’s on the internet, of course!
**Whose with me? Huh? Huh? Washboard!....if the washboard as only one rung.
Thanks to Roison for bringing this (non)holiday to my attention.