Monday, January 11, 2010

2010 in Preview: Year of the Ass Kicker

No, this is not another lame-o Year in Review. Yawn. How prosaic. We look forward here at F.M.S. Our eyes are always on the destination not the travel worn path. When we drive a car, we look at the road ahead not the rear view mirror. When running a race, my eyes follow the course yet-to-come not the courses past. Sometimes, mid-paragraph, we even switch from a plural voice to a singular voice hoping you’ll buy into this as some sort of dramatic mass movement rather than the declaration of an unusually handsome guy sitting in his basement with a computer trying to avoid work which his employer expects him to be doing rather than writing inane run-on sentences with so many editorial errors and unexpected and completely inappropriate ellipses and parentheses ()appearing without explanation in the middle…of a sentence that appears to have no ending so I just…keep typing and typing until we feel the point has been made and we can no longer continue switching speaking voices the way he has been doing without really pissing everyone off. To summarize, my “preview” is better than your “review” because it has a “p” in front of the word review.*

Apparently, I’m jonesing. I need more chipmunk.**

I don’t care that the official animal this year for the Chinese New Year (beginning Feb. 14th) is the Tiger. Tigers are cool. In fact, they’rrrrre GREAT! It’s not the year of the llama so I’m good with whatever. As long as the llamas don’t get a year…

I don’t follow the Chinese New Year animal designations anyhow. Their animals have a lot of lead in them, from what I’ve heard, which makes them unsafe for children and, let’s face it, too heavy for runners. Runners, and their race gear, are notoriously lead-free.

For me, 2010 is the Year of the Ass Kicker. The Ass Kicker is a lead-free, fire-veined being with overly sensitive nipples and a vague aroma of spaghetti and Alberto VO5 Strawberry Essence. He shits fruit and arm wrestles mannequins to a near draw. He can shoot-the-moon at least once every five games in Hearts because no one noticed that he passed off his low hearts and loaded up on spades. He is modest and empathetic to all but believes everyone else is inferior and should stay the fuck out of his way with their stupid problems. He runs races to set PRs. In short, he kicks ass by going all out in training and racing in the little time he has to devote to each activity.*** If you match any of these characteristics, you might be an Ass Kicker too.

If you are still with me, this is the Y.A.K (Year of the Ass Kicker, if you weren’t paying attention). Fitting, I think, since the yak is a form of bovine and my running team is called the Steers, a castrated bovine. Plus, according to the Wikipedia entry linked here, the yaks “dried dung is an important fuel.” Word. I’ve been using that for years.****

In the Y.A.K., I vow to:

· Refine my training by adding a day of running each week and detailing my currently haphazard approach to speed work.
· Set a new marathon PR. I’ll run more miles during training than ever before.
· Break 18 minutes in the 5k.
· Sign up for an ultra marathon.
· Race more.
· Sign up for a team relay event with friends/family. The last relay was a lot of fun!
· Not give in to easy excuses to skip a run or cut short some intervals.
· Approach the Puke Threshold many, many times. My toes will feel at home curled over the edge.

Basically, I want to make 2010 my best year running ever! Here’s where I’m at inside the Nitmos noggin: The Greek statue of Ares may not change over time but the American chiseled Nitmos does. Homeboy here is turning 39 and my left knee and right shoulder are letting me know that recovery time is counted in weeks (even months) rather than days. I’m going to war this year with running races. (queue Rocky theme) Time for me to lift an elderly trainer and drunk uncle in a giant wheel barrel, grow a fantastic beard, and outrun a Mercedes full of cold war era villains. (end Rocky theme)

Going forward (queue non-threatening muzak Michael Bolton), 2011 and beyond may be about running for fun more and running for PR’s less. So, I want to make this a highlight year. One I can recount to grand kids some day as they nurse my destroyed knees and change my colostomy bag (I eat lots of fiber!)

You, too, can join me and become a YAK. Let’s lock horns and make 2010 the best year ever! By years end, those that take on the YAK challenge may find themselves honorary members of the Steers Long Distance Project…after we cut your nuts off*****, of course.

Happy trails.

Oh, sorry…(end Michael Bolton).

*This applies to many situations. Isn’t being “phat” better than being a “hat”? I thought so.
**I feel foolish sitting here with a rubber tube tied around my arm bulging the veins and no chipmunk. If I had a nickel…
***Also, he seems to have a penchant for run-on sentences and overly descriptive, nonsensical definitions of imaginary beings that no one reading this cares about. In fact, he feels the need to continue the description in a footnote that no one reads anyhow except AFTER reading the enter blog entry which, by now, makes this footnote make no sense whatsoever.
****Pre-run, with oatmeal.
*****Or remove your ovaries, whichever applies.


Recent work-outs:

YakTrak Tuesday = 5 miles
YakTrak Thursday = 6.5 miles
Treadmill Sunday = 9.5 miles


Mike Antonucci said...

By sheer coincidence, I also had a p in front of your review.

Sun Runner said...

You might consider doing the Heart of a Spartan race (5 or 10K) on May 2. I'm going to make the supreme sacrifice and actually set foot inside the MSU football stadium as part of this race. Spike is gonna do it, too. Think about it!

Viper said...

I want to yak all over this post. Curiously, this week has marked the return of the Puke Threshold.

ShutUpandRun said...

Wow someone just became an over achiever. Nice. Break an 18 min 5K? Dang. Can I be a YAK if I use Suave shampoo that smells of coconuts? How about if my nipples don't have a lot of sensation?

X-Country2 said...

An ultra, huh? I suspect you'll milk the drama out of that for months.

Xenia said...

So if I literally kicked you in the ass, would I get YAK status?

Ian said...

Meh, that sounds like a lot of work. Imma go take a nap.

Jeri said...

I'm totally with you on the year of the YAK. PR shattering here we come. :D

gene said...

YEAH! let's DO THIS! new PR's, new distances, new resolve. I am ready to YAK it up, BABYYYY!

Vava said...

You're not here to "talk about the past" I take it?

jen said...

Allright, you sold me. I'm in! Love the YAK attitude and plan and the whole thing.

Plus lots of great blog titles in that- related to yak-ing suring woekouts, yaktracks, and the phrase 'yak attack!'

Morgan said...

Go YAK's!!! Wow that seriously sounds way less motivational then previously thought. I mean while we're yaking and running to the puke threshold and all... Can't wait to read all about it!

Betsy said...

This post was totally bad-ass except for this bit of sentiment:

Sign up for a team relay event with friends/family. The last relay was a lot of fun!

Which of these things is not like the others?

sRod said...

YAK sounds like a formula for success...or the onset of a mid-life crisis.