Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Mine Is Longer Than Yours

But we knew that already.

Consider this the bookend companion to my other landmark blog post, Mine Is Shorter Than Yours. I’ll warn you upfront, Garmin (praise be thy name) comes in for some gentle teasing, though we know it is infallible and all-knowing. Anyhow, I think I’m safe down here in my basement, within my cocoon of mold spores and spiderwebs, from any celestial lightening strikes.

The 2010 Capital City River Run Half Marathon Race Report

I started this blog a few years back so I feel some weird sense of obligation to post a race report so that future generations can peruse my mind-numbingly dull stats. Posterity can be a pain in the posterior. Does anyone read this blog anymore? Unlikely. But, hey internets, here’s a race report! I’m following the General Internet Rule #1: If you don’t know what to do with useless information, post it online!

It’s been 9 days since I ran this race and 40 days, Garmin (p.b.t.n), since my last blog post. I haven’t been a very good blogger lately and certainly not a very good commenter on your blogs. Does that make me a bad person? No. It’s your fault.* Write something that I want to comment on. All of your race reports are entirely devoid of things dripping in syrup. Shame.

Besides, I’ve been busy working on my screenplay: Feet Meet Street: The Movie. It’s a cross between Dude, Where’s My Car? And Behind the Green Door…except with more dick jokes and a notch or two up on the vulgarity ladder. I’d like to get it turned into a feature film staring Carrot Top**before 2012 if only the studio execs would stop saying things like “You can’t do that with string cheese, that many times, in one movie” and “Did you have a mother?” Answers: That’s called “Saturday” at my house and yes, I had a mother but she recently changed her name and moved away.

But about that race. My Y.A.K hasn’t been going very well this year as I’ve near-missed PR’s in a few 5k’s and the full marathon. A few trifling seconds here and there have undermined a great summer of training. It was put up or shut up time at CCRR. Or another whiny blog post. I was fine with either one, actually. Last year, my Garmin (p.b.t.n.) told me I ran 13.21 miles for this same half-marathon which nearly caused me to miss my race goal. A 1/10th of a mile is a considerable distance when you are cutting it close to the goal time. After last year’s CCRR, I snarkily declared that my half-marathon distance (13.11) is shorter than their half-marathon distance (13.21) apparently which, in turn, spawned several comments calling me a whiner or a wimp (and generated at least three sessions of self-mutilation arm cuttings in the privacy of my bathroom as I struggled to deal with your hurtful comments.)

Well, I’m back. And I’m whining some more. Garmin (p.b.t.n.), like Jessica Biel’s ass, is perfect in all ways. We know that. But it measured the race this year at 13.29 miles. Since there’s no way Garmin (p.b.t.n.) could be wrong, CCRR, j’accuse!

Sure, my Garmin (p.b.t.n.) records .26 miles almost every lap around a 400 meter track but, once again, I assume the track is incorrect, right? If Garmin (p.b.t.n.) is wrong than what, pray tell, makes sense anymore? Is the sky not blue (or gray here in Michigan.) Is Carrot Top not actually funny?

No, Garmin (p.b.t.n.) is correct. I must believe it. As such, it’s clear that the CCRR tried their best to fuck me over again but I overcame.

Here are my gloriously consistent, even slightly downward trending, race splits. To maximize the whining, I’ve even included the finish stats based on the official race totals and what Garmin authoritatively says. That should instigate some insults in the comments (I have my razor standing by if you get in some real good zingers.)

Behold the breakdown of a well-paced, negative split race!

Mile 01 6:46
Mile 02 6:48
Mile 03 6:46
Mile 04 6:35
Mile 05 6:35
Mile 06 6:37
Mile 07 6:37
Mile 08 6:36
Mile 09 6:32
Mile 10 6:30
Mile 11 6:35
Mile 12 6:30
Mile 13 6:31
Last bit 6:03 pace (1:47 time)

Numbers? Yes, numbers:

1:27:43 time
13.11 miles (Garmin sez 13.29 miles)
6:42 pace (Garmin sez 6:36 pace)

37th of 1455 overall
4th of 89 in age group

A new PR by 70 seconds! (drum roll, cymbal crash, and update my side bar.) I’ll take that. I even left the finish area feeling pretty energetic. This was, by far, the smartest race I’ve ever run. I resisted the urge to take off like a shirtless drunk on Cops and paced nice and easy for the first three miles before ever so gently turning up the pace. A positive byproduct of training at near race pace constantly, like I do, is that the actual races feel pretty much like any other run. However, a negative byproduct of that type of training is that I often complete a race realizing I should have pushed harder than my normal training run. I lazily allowed myself to lapse into ‘training pace’ rather than shift to a higher ‘race pace’ gear. I think the 1:27 marker, at the very least, should have fallen…maybe even 1:26. But everyone probably feels that way after a race, right?

I’ve felt so good about this race, that I’ve been consuming an avalanche of sugary sweets that would make Thintervention subjects sweat with envy from their purple, blood-engorged cankles. I can hear my filly’s left over birthday cake shaking within it’s cake container as we speak. I’m coming for you cherry chip cake…just let me get the syrup first.

Happy trails.

*Come on, you expected that.
** Comeback vehicle?

I skipped out on my planned 10k this past weekend and I don't feel bad about it. I'll try to latch onto another 10k down the road before 2010 ends. That PR should easily fall.

My filly's travel soccer team, expertly coached by yours truly, is in the hunt for the league title at 3-1-1 with a string of home games to go. Can we win? Only if they closely listen to every word I say like I'm Garmin (p.b.t.n.) reincarnated. The filly has pumped in 5 goals in 5 games. She has been earning her dinner...for now.

Will I post again before the Detroit Marathon team relay in less than two weeks? I'm as curious about that as all of you. Once again, for the relay, Nitmos = two people (which is odd because my ego says Nitmos = 10 people. Maybe the CCRR did the calculation?)


BrianFlash said...

Man, 20 minutes faster than my recent half mary.

Make sure you keep posting your race schedule so I can keep dodging a head to head confrontation...

C said...

Yet another post that makes me want to run out and purge my bank account of a couple hundred dollars to own an inaccurate gps device. Too bad I'm an atheist.

Make sure the razors aren't rusty.

Vava said...

Congratulations on that PR! Stupid buildings, especially of the glass curtain variety, mess with my Garmin. Perhaps that is also the source of your problem? Tear'em down I say, for faulty measurements are no way to treat a runner.

It's particularly insulting when your watch beeps farther and farther before the course mile markers (or in my Canadian metric land the kilometre markers, whereby I get insulted 1.60934 times more often than you Yanks).

Anyway, great work. Nothing like a little sidebar updating to soothe one's jangled nerves.

The Boring Runner said...

I still read your blog....and comment. Mostly for the random beardsley comments.

Even if your garmin was off (which I agree is highly unlikely) you had some pretty solid / consistent splits there. YAK victory is yours!!

BTW, carrot top doesn't need a comeback vehicle. You don't need those when you never left. Duh.

Robin said...

Thank goodness you gained your senses and posted. I was running out of time wasters at work! Congrats on the PR!

Spike said...

I've missed you...which is why I keep showing up outside your home--holding a boombox and playing a Peter Gabriel.

Sorry I missed the chance to run with you at the CCRR.

Also, I always get .26 after on lap on our track. The track is long because our Garmins (p.b.t.n.) are perfect.

Anonymous said...

I've got you bookmarked in my Google Reader and check in every now and then, waiting for one little blog post from you. Just one little post would make my life complete. Finally!!

Congratulations on the new PR. What I'm looking at are some amazingly consistent splits. Damn. I wish mine could be that tight.

B. Kramer said...

Way to go, tiger! May your running mirror Carrot Top's career. Cheers!

Jess said...

Congrats on a new PR!

Al's CL Reviews said...

Carrot Top????

Congrats on the PR.

five fingers said...

Congratulations on your race..Keep running.

Nick said...


Just wanted to tell you that I am loving the blog! I fell in to it when I was looking for info about the Walt Disney goofy race. I started to read and about fell out of my chair laughing!

You have also inspired me to start my own running blog as well! Thanks alot and if you are ever up here in the northwest let me know perhaps I could try to keep up with you for a quarter mile or so!