Friday, May 21, 2010

Fine Folks

The fine folks at You know what, I can’t do this. Have you ever noticed that whenever one of us is asked to review a product, we always start out the review by saying the “fine folks of (insert company name) sent me (insert marginally interesting product)” and it was WONDERFUL!!" I read reviews that start like this ALL the time. Heck, I’m sure I’ve even deployed “fine folks” somewhere along the line. But enough is enough.

Fine folks? What makes them so fine? Just because they sent you something for free you feel obligated to call them “fine folks”? If anything, it demonstrates a lack of judgment. When you send me something for free – especially a liquid – you just don’t know what it’ll get mixed with, have dunked into it, or where it will be slathered. I’ve never done a Wordle word cloud for this site because I don’t want to face the reality of ANUS appearing in large, bold letters across the middle. Still, I get free goods from time to time and, if you don’t like the review, who’s to blame really? Wordle?

But somebody sent me something again! Or, rather, they fell into my web. This week’s victim volunteer is cheribundi. They make cherry juice and, apparently, disdain commonly accepted capital letter usage. It was a huge mental hurdle to NOT capitalize cheribundi in that last sentence after years and years of average to slightly below average public schooling taught me to capitalize names. Their website confirms that it is a small ‘c’ so rest assured this was not a comment on their product from yours truly. Watch how awkward this next sentence is without a capital letter.

cheribundi makes cherry juice. I grew up in the self-proclaimed Cherry Capital of the WORLD. It seemed like a good fit. Note on my sidebar the presence of several Cherry Festival races. Me and cherries have a long history together (get your mind out of the gutter). I wanted to like this product right off. They had me at “cheri”. They claim there are 50 cherries in every 8 oz bottle providing you with 2 servings of daily fruit. That sounds great but the 50 pits? Ugh. They rattled around in the bottle like a box of rocks.* Every swig sounded like a mariachi band was playing.

Taste? Very good. A wee bit strong but not too bad. Last year, POM Wonderful sent me pomegranate juice to try and that was STRONG. This cherry juice is merely strong which might explain why POM went with all caps in their name but cheribundi opted for no caps. It has a refreshing taste and keeps the people in my ancestral homeland employed. Plus, as you can see by the breakdown below, there is a secret ingredient to every bottle of cherry juice. See if you can spot it.

I must have left a lot of DNA around those cherry farms while growing up.

I recommend cheribundi cherry juice. For non-conforming grammarians, they deliver a better than expected product.

In short, it is fine, folks.

Since it is review day, I might as well get this second one out of the way too. I just finished Born to Run by Christopher McDougall and it was a very interesting read. Great story. Interesting science. Some history of running. Some comparison of modern day running to ancient running. Enough evolutionary science to really piss off a certain segment of the society. Again, maybe I’m easy to please today, but I recommend! I’ve had this book on my shelf for a few months but finally picked it up after seeing the local high school track team running barefoot past my house.

Now, some people who have read this have felt inspired to go out and buy, or build, some rubber soled sandals for more primitive, natural running. I did not feel so inspired. At least, no more inspired than I was to buy a guillotine after reading A Tale of Two Cities. I don’t know what the evil shoe companies are doing to our feet but, for now, I’m happy to pay a 3000% mark up for my comfortable Asics just as I am sitting around at night in the glow of my monster high definition television communicating via internet instead of a candle, quill pen, tuberculosis, and a stack of correspondence.

McDougall makes a compelling point about running and how we’ve lost our natural way. While the book was fascinating, the philosophy being espoused caused me to shrug my shoulders and think ‘eh, that’s alright, I’m happy with how things are.’ Besides, instead of trying to run like the Tarahumara, maybe we should outfit them with running shoes and slow THEM down. That’s the Western Way, after all. U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! How ‘bout a McDonald’s too?!

Thus ends two-for-one review day at F.M.S., my fine folks.

Happy trails.

*If you can’t appreciate satire, I’m not going to explain it to you. You’re probably the same person who peels a banana, throws the bone away, and wonders what is left to eat. To be fair to cheribundi though, I will explain it: There are no pits.


EZEthan said...

Hey... guess what the number one site is if you google cheribundi and anus together?

Heather said...

I don't like cherries, but I do like this post. Good Stuff. I will be running out to check out the book. Not really, but I might check it out if I remember next time I am at the library. Thanks!!

Laurie said...

I have say, that's the best review I've ever happened across... and no, I didn't get here by googling cheri & anus. I've been stalking you for a while, thanks for keeping it interesting & fun.

BrianFlash said...

"Born to Run" must be overly popular. I've had a hold request on a copy at my local library for weeks to no avail.

I'm sticking with modern technology though...the Indians might be even faster with new shoes!

X-Country2 said...

A Cherry Festival sounds like fun. We don't have anything cool like that around here.

B. Kramer said...

Mister "eh, another commercial" writes two commercials in one. Nice review of Born to Run. I agree that we should adapt them to us. Speaking of people I want to slow down, next time you're in Ohio I'd like to show you my new sledge hammer. Cheers!

marion said...

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


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Barefoot Johnny O said...

Keep your shoes on when you battle it out with Viper here in Ohio. If you break down, wave to me as I pass.

The Laminator said...

Two reviews in one day? That's a lot of "selling out" even for you! =)

As for your take on the Tahumara, I agree. We've got more people. Slow THEM down. It's only fair.

Yeah, so keep your shoes on, and kick ass!

Sage said...

Bayshore is looking mighty hot! Lets hope for a cool morning...or maybe I'll catch a cool breeze as Nitmos heads past me on his way back to TC ;-) Good luck man.

Mike G said...

Running barefoot - did someone really write a book about how this was the key to being a great runner? And manage to get people to buy it in droves? I'd hire him as marketing VP but he'd be banned from the olympic team.

Vava said...

Ahhh. Communication by tuberculosis. Those were the days...

Good luck on your marathon this weekend!

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