The Fruit of My Loins Showdown
My colt is
not a runner. He plays sports. Specifically, he plays lots and lots of
soccer. For my fellow Americans that may
not be aware, soccer involves a significant amount of running at times. It also involves a significant amount of
players falling on the ground acting like they broke their leg in overly
dramatic fashion every few minutes but that’s not relevant to this tale.
He runs…but
only after things.* When I come back from a long run and casually
mention that I just knocked off 14 miles (really, only 8 but what does he
know?) the response I normally get is “why
are you doing that? That sounds so
boring.” A runner, he is not. Not yet at least. I spent my youth running after balls
too. Well, not balls per se…well, kinda
balls per se…you know what, you can all go to hell, you know what I mean. Balls!
As a
requirement for his high school soccer, he has to meet a fairly challenging two
mile time goal of 12:45. Two miles in
12:45? Guess what 42 year old blogger
just made a high school soccer team? For
Mr. Look Down His Nose at Boring Runners though, this was going to be
interesting.
I haven’t
seen him just plain run that far all at once.
Sure, I gently encouraged him. I
even got in a few humblebrags about how my own dedication and hard work made
something that seemed difficult become easy.
It was during the discussion of fartleks where the conversation ended
with a “ you know what, if you aren’t
mature enough to say fartlek without snickering like a toddler then maybe…okay,
okay very funny, stop snickering…I know the word ‘fart’ is pa-….that’s right, I
just said ‘fart’ again. STOP LAUGHING. Fartleks aren’t – okay, it’s just a SWEDISH WORD SO STOP….HEY, IS THAT A NEW
PIMPLE ON YOUR FOREHEAD???” The
rest of the drive home in silence. Kids
today.
Eventually
he agreed to head up to the high school track so I could dump some long-overdue
fatherly wisdom on his unsuspecting teenager ass. Also, maybe show him a thing or two about
running that I’ve learned over the past 13 years. You know, real condescending
father-teaching-naïve-son bullshit.
I decided to
start him slow – a couple of 800’s around 3:00 pace, separated by a 90 second
rest. I thought that might just be
enough to break him. And, when broken,
that’s when I reintroduce the whole fartlek discussion.
I heard him
breathing heavy following my lead but his footsteps kept right on my heels both
sets. I kinda expected to lose him
during the second 800. He was wearing a COTTON t-shirt ferchrissakes. But, no,
there was the typical non-runner slapping of the feet right behind me,
overwhelming my perfectly tuned low-impact, barely audible stride.
He did it
though. Two 800’s in about three minutes
each. Oh, his hands were on his hips and
he was sucking in wind like a canklesaurus that just climbed a flight of stairs. I threw in a little comment about how “this is good warm-up for me. I usually do 4 to….18 of these.” I could barely get the sentence out before
descending into a gasping, coughing fit due to lack of oxygen that I explained
away by blaming the huge fly I just sucked in.
I didn’t
think he fully got what he needed from this session. In other words, he wasn’t defeated. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from
running over the years, it’s that it is best used to show up, humiliate, or
injure an inferior runner. Since he was
none of those things – just a bit tired – I decided to go for the kill.
“How about one balls out** 400 meter before we head home?” I suggest with
pitched tent finger tips slowly tapping together under an evil grin.
Sure, he
responds, unconfidently.
YES! I wish I brought my shovel…cause I’m going to
need it to scrape that ego up that I leave smeared all over the track.
In my most
condescending manner, I suggest to him that he shouldn’t start out in a full
sprint. Start the 400 comfortably hard
then, at the 100 meter mark, start gently accelerating until the hammer is down
at 200 meters to the finish.
Unspoken? Wave goodbye to Dada. He’s gonna rip your will to run right out
from you, sweetie. There’s nothing more
enjoyable then shredding the fruit of your loins into ribbons meter by meter!
With that
sage strategy in place, we line-up to start our balls out 400 meters.*** I know he’s
going to follow my advice because he foolishly looks up to me (I think).
Off we
go! And I’m GONE. Fuck this if I’m going to let some 15 year
old hang with me for 100 meters gathering confidence every step of the
way. The hammer is DOWN immediately. Whoosh!
And I pop
into a nice little lead around the first bend.
His footsteps – SLAP SLAP SLAP
– grow distant behind me. We hit the 100
meter mark and I’m in the lead by a good two seconds. The fool followed my advice! Now, just a little work over the last 300
meters and the Master will head home to modestly tell Mrs. Nitmos how the boy
is still trying to learn the Art of Running.
But then the
footsteps get louder again on the back straightaway. He’s on my heels. Did he follow my advice? It was good advice but, really, it was
designed more for me to get a lead and hopefully break his spirit than to
actually, you know, help him win.
By 200
meters, we are neck and neck. And he’s
in the second lane. I glance at my watch
and we are at 33 seconds. I’m not
normally a good sprinter and this is about as fast as I’ve ever gone. I’m hoping he sprinted himself out trying to
catch me as we head into the second turn.
Turns out,
he’s a fast little fucker. I’m huffing
and puffing through the turn. He’s SLAP SLAP SLAPPING away – cotton t-shirt
flapping in the wind - through the turn across the 300 meter mark oblivious to
the need for a Garmin, specialty running shows and
moisture-wicking….everything. The
arrogance!
We hit 300
meters and he shows no signs of letting up.
In fact, is that a kick down the home stretch? Now it’s me and my barely audible, perfectly
tuned stride that starts to fall away.
It’s painfully obvious that I’m not going to catch him. Is he a machine impervious to
exhaustion? Is this the same kid that
spends 8 hours a day playing Call of Duty
and FIFA ’13 and doing rails of sugar
off the TV?
Truly, I
underestimated him. But if there is a
lesson to be learned, I should be the one delivering it.
In the final
100 meters, mid-stride, I change strategy.
Now, there is a lesson to be taught about winning gracefully, respecting
elders, exemplifying modesty, and congratulating a competitor on a well-run
race.
But I’m not
going to deliver that message. This
ain’t an after school special and I’m not Oprah.
“Aaaaahh!” I scream out. I figure I have a second or two before he
looks back…just enough time to gently ease myself onto my side on the track as
if I’ve fallen hard. I hold my leg in
the air and grab my hamstring. He
finishes and circles back in an arrogant, non-exhausted jog. “What’s wrong?”
Here, I go
for the two-fer: (1) Rob him of his
clean victory and (2) blame him for my “injury”.
“Well, I was just about ready to go for my
hard finishing kick (grimace-grunt) after
my warm-up 300 meters when you carelessly kicked some loose gravel into my
lane. (grimace-facial contortion) I
slowed up – you had been doing that the last 100 meters or so – to get around
it (uggghhh, grooooan) but it slid
under foot causing me to twist my leg funny in an attempt to avoid it. I did the best I could but, man, you screwed
me over.”
After a
suitable amount of time selling the injury, I popped up and, feigning
sportsmanship and general humanity, patted my son on the back and said, “Despite the rather large asterisk looming
over it, that was a nice job you did there – including spewing gravel in my
lane!”
And then we
drove home…as only I could do of the two of us.
Happy
trails.
* Meta Alert: I know, I know, WE run after abstract
concepts like physical fitness, health, happiness, and PRs. Tell that to a 15 year old.
** Look I don’t have a ‘balls’ obsession, alright? It’s an expression. Don’t get teste.
*** Stop it already.
_____________________________________________
Postscript: My colt made the time with a nice 12:26. The preceding story was entirely true up
until the 300 meter mark at which point it diverted into Hey This Would Make A
Better Blog Post Ending. In truth, I
finished 3 seconds behind him despite running my best 400 ever.
The little shit.