Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Food Goes in Here

Tomorrow, we celebrate Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving America! For non-Americans and native Americans, have a great Thursday! My gift to you is to present my Detroit Lions humiliating themselves before a national television audience once again. If you think you received this gift before, you’re right. It just keeps on giving…since the 1950’s!

A turkey?  A bunch of rebel fighters attacking the Death Star?  'A' for effort; 'F' for execution, kid.
I’ve been ravenously hungry lately. You’d almost think I ran a marathon. Wait, let me rephrase that: I think I almost ran a marathon.

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite times of year. It signals the point at which I throw away 11 months of vigilance over my financial budget and spend like a Michael Jackson in a creepy mannequin store.

It brings me closer to my family. Yes, closer to the people I purposely moved away from.

It brings lots of drinking which, in turn, lowers inhibitions which, in another turn, allows us all to tell each other what we really think. You know that old saying, ‘What starts with the pop of a wine cork, ends with a splash of “Shut the hell up, motherfucker!”’

And the eating? Oh, the humanity! It’s elastic-waisted wind pants season, my friends. It comes in with a turkey and leaves six weeks later amidst the confetti and empty bottles with a serving of shame and despair. The only good thing about all of this eating? The pooping. Sometimes twice a day! You can imagine all of the reading I get done too.

But we are runners and so we can run our calories away. Want that extra scoop of mashed potatoes? Run an extra mile. Want another piece of your Aunt’s pecan pie? Eat up, your shoes are right over there. Add two miles, please. There’s another old saying: “You can take what you want but you run what you eat.” It goes something like that…

In case you’ve forgotten, food goes here:

1990's goatee!  (Not me)
If you are “cat people”, for some reason, food goes here:

And if you are dog people:

Afterwards, of course, run forest run!

Enjoy your Thanksgiving. For my money, I have the Lions winning tomorrow.*

We plan to celebrate a “traditional” Thanksgiving this year. Along with the turkey and squash and corn, half of us are going to get smallpox and the other half will steal our cars while we writhe around in agony.

Now, let's get our uvula massage on!

Happy gobbles.

* In Lions fan lexicon, a “win” is described as losing by less than 2 touchdowns.


B.o.B. said...

That dude's mouth is horrifying.

Enjoy the diptheria and smallpox!

Viper said...

In truth, your Lions are probably in the best game of the day. 'Skins and 'Boy will be a suckfest and Pats and Jets will be woefully one-sided. I'm just going to start my day in in sweatpants and see where things go from there. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. Cheers!

Jill said...

Happy Thanksgiving (I just took a sleeping pill; that's all the brain can muster right now).

Danielle in Iowa in Ireland said...

Wel, it looks like you guys won!

Also, I don't know on what planet you live on that two miles of running accounts for that piece of pecan pie...

Deb said...

So what've you got against robots, anyway? I ask because I always have the hardest time deciphering the gibberish that will somehow prove I am not a robot, thus allowing me to comment on your post. Must be that I actually AM a robot. Hmmm....

Also, I'm with Danielle (in Iowa in Ireland in India in Illinois): pecan pie is CRAZY fattening. One must run at least a 10K to make up for the caloric damage. I prefer sweet potato pie, 'cause I kid myself that it's a veggie and therefore good for me.