Wednesday, October 31, 2012

NY Marathon Frankenstorm Impacted Goals!

Wherein I wax unpoetic about the upcoming New York City marathon and display almost no human-like sense of compassion for the folks in that region.  It’s post-Frankenstorm-Hurricane-Sandy-General-Freakout New York City Marathon week!!*

Oh my, look at the Runner’s World calendar on the wall, it’s well past time for the blog obligatory marathon goals post. Or, as I call them, List of Impending Disappointments. What would a run blog be without a statement of goals before a big race? And I’m certainly not one to extend a middle finger at blog clichés and traditions. Shoot, I have an alliterative post coming up next: Whackadoodle Wednesday Wackiness! And, guess what? I’m now a running coach! I love me some clichés.

Despite the rain literally raining on my marathon parade in NY right now, I’m pretty excited. Yes, I know people are suffering and it’s a bit uncouth to say how excited I am to run something so extraneous as a marathon down the same streets where, currently, people are canoeing to their homes. But you don’t come here for couthness** and sympathizing do you? Boy, are you in the wrong place. I hope you come for inappropriate blogging and a slight feeling of discomfort like I really shouldn’t be enjoying this because the guy’s a jerk but I can’t tear my eyes away.

As I look gaze into the mirror and rake my hand through my playfully floppish mane and gangnam-style dance my irrepressible pecs, I note the general gauntness of my figure. Sunken cheeks? Check. Loose fitting jeans? Check. Malnutritioned appearance that would make WWII era Louis Zamperini blush? Check. I appear to be on heroin. Don’t touch me; I might give you a paper cut.

In other words, I’m in marathon shape!

A few people at the mall the other day snarkily spat at me in passing, “Eat a burger fergodsakes, pervert.” To which I smiled that knowing, hungry smile of a soon-to-be marathoner. Then picked up my pants that had fallen to my ankles and cinched the belt another notch. When is Sarah McLachlan going to sing a sad song for the Feed the Marathoner campaign? Screw those adorable one-eyed ASPCA puppies.***

Mrs. Nitmos and I are due to fly to New York on Friday unless general plane/airport disruptions ensue. She will be participating in the Saturday morning 5k that starts at the United Nations building and ends in Central Park. I will be taking the recently drained (fingers crossed) subway at 4 am on Sunday down to Battery Park to catch the ferry to Staten Island. A corn-fed Michigan man with wide eyes and a nervous disposition riding a NYC subway at 4 am? What could go wrong?!?

I’d like to say that all of my summer long hard work during this “Tyler Perry Presents: Summer of Speed 2012” will come to fruition during this race. I’d like to say that but then I’d be a big fat liar. Truth is, I’ve trained adequately…even pretty good during certain stretches, but definitely did not kill myself out on the roads. I’m comfortable running the speeds I’ve been running the last few years and I’m slowly coming to accept that. Plus, I have a pile of empty fudge stripe cookie boxes and fun size Snickers wrappers that belie any attempts to convince myself otherwise. Oh, I’ll be lugging a barely distinguishable – but definitely present – Cheeto Layer along with me during the marathon. I’m actually about 2-3 pounds heavier than I normally am pre-marathon.

So maybe all of the gaunt talk was a bunch of bluster. Am I a big fat liar after all? Nah, I’m definitely still gaunt. And my pecs DID dance gangnam. The mirror don’t lie.

So, just what are the goals in this current Stormocalype climate? How can I use Frankenstorm to blame my failure to achieve my goals on something other than myself and my own training efforts? It won’t be too hard, trust me. Natural disaster = ready made excuse in anybody’s world!

The Goals (in Helvetica! and purple!):

A)   Make it to New York on time, find hotel has power.
2)   Do best to avoid Charity/Clean Up New York fund raisers by not making eye contact.
Z)   Beat 3:15.
VI)   If race turns into a waterlogged steeplechase, call it a “Tri” and buy Ironman car sticker.
AA)   Beat 3:20 if it is just not my day. Plan to blog that I stopped to help “victims”. Invent elaborate stories of my heroism.
7)   Avoid falling cranes from the sky.
Z)   Finish race and spend the next two days in New York eating and drinking nearly everything in sight…even aid relief supplies if they are in my line of sight. Ever have post-marathon sore leg muscles? Just as bad as not having a home. Give me the water and cheese.
X)   Leave NY dryer than when I arrived.

My training is in the barn. The hay is already done. There’s nothing left to do but run the race…if the race occurs.

My Wal-Mart discount sweats are purchased and ready to be worn once before discarded at the start for the Hobo Christmas that starts at the same time as the marathon. Hope they enjoy my donation! Merry Hobo Christmas.

Believe me, I have feelings too. I feel the pain coming from New York and I’m sympathetic. But, after my training 21 miler, I didn’t see anyone from New York massaging my cramping leg muscles youknowwhatI’msayin?! #karmaisbitch****

I know everyone is concerned about the folks on the East coast but, while you are praying, say a few words for me. I’m running a freaking marathon people not sitting around looking at all of my drenched photo albums.

And I’m not saying it’s going to come down to this but, if it come’s down to this, guess who’s in pretty good shape to get to an Ark first if there's foot race? Mrs. Nitmos, better keep up, we need to go two-by-two. The unicorns, then us, then the llamas….

Llamas?!?!? Not on this hypothetical Ark. I'll end the human race right then and there before a llama boards that Ark...

Happy trails.


* For the sake of argument, let’s assume there will be a marathon.
** It’s a word. If not, it should be.
*** No, don’t do that. I like puppies…almost as much as I like turtles.
**** I kid because I care.


I may post photos regularly as the weekend progresses. If you care to follow along, you can follow me at @nitmosruns on Twitter.

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drea said...

ha ha! As having once lived in the Upper East side for 4 years- I know New Yorkers and the fact that you said, "Avoid eye contact" makes me laugh! Nobody looks at you in New York! Ha ha ha! There is absolutely NO EYE CONTACT. That's like having sex on a pool table in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner. I think you'll be safe to avoid charity interruptions. Even the rats won't look at you. BUT if you get to run it, you'll have a world cheering you (or throwing water balloons). I ran that 5K last year, it's a good- uphill one :) Be nice to your wife. If you break 3:15 in NYC, you be a stud Nitmos. Go kill it!

Deb said...

I am SO jealous!!! i ran a marathon a couple weeks back and there was NO ONE sobbing over their drenched photo albums - kinda takes all the fun out of it. I did 3:47:04. Guess I wasn't gaunt enough.

have a blast. Can't wait to read your race report!

Char said...

If the 'victims' that you have to invent are small and furry and either bark or purr you could add another 5 mins to your AA goal. Your SNAG street cred will be immeasurable. But if you really have to - run a PB. You'll get no SNAG points but you'll get oodles of 'tough-as-nails' points.

Jill said...

Don't forget your swim suit!

Best of luck and all that jazz; I hope there is a marathon and that your 2-3 lbs won't hold you back too much!

Vava said...

Good luck! 2-3lbs of cheeto layers is good fuel for those last 6 miles. You're set!

Viper said...

Oh sorry it's canceled!

TCHusker - Nate said...

Sorry the race was cancelled. Best of luck figuring out what to do with your fine-tuned aerobic engine.