Friday, June 22, 2012

When Did Florida Come to Michigan?

I’m on record as saying that I don’t like cold weather and I never complain about the heat.  We get temperatures that are below my personal liking for 8-9 months of the year so I make it a point to NOT COMPLAIN during the few weeks where it is stifling, unbearably hot.  Like, now.  After all, in a few short weeks, I’ll be bitchin’ about the cold again.  So, consider the following an observation not a complaint.  (ed. Heat, don’t go away.  You complete me.  The lawn looks better brown, believe me.)

In fact, there’s a few time honored traditions around these parts.  For the region’s notoriously unpredictable weather, Michiganders like to say, ‘Don’t like the weather?  Wait five minutes and it’ll change’.  Mrs. Nitmos and I always eagerly await the first time the local news anchor turns to the weatherman and deploys the yearly news patter cliché, “Now, here’s Rob with the forecast.  Rob, are we ever going to get relief from this heat?”  This is usually accompanied with a sigh and a hand fanning to cool their fake heat stroke.  Hilarious, right?  At my house, this is also accompanied by a shared eye roll and a snarky comment:  “Yeah, when it’s 40 fucking degrees or below for 8 straight months asshole!”

Despite the obvious simmering hostility described above, you might be surprised to learn that I’m generally a jolly drunk.*  I’d go as far to say that I probably wouldn't even cannibalize someone when mixing bath salts with LSD.  I might grab a nibble – just a sample really – but hardly a full meal. 

But the string of 90+, highly humid days has tested my love of warmth.

Running?  Yeah, it’s getting done but not at nearly the same paces I had planned.  My sweat glands are giving out after three miles.  Today, I doubled back to go again through a lawn sprinkler that was spraying across the sidewalk.  I wanted to strip naked and fold myself over it like a hero saving his buddies from a grenade…to feel the cool liquid jettison into me…to drink the thin waterpik dental spray from the top holes.  But I quickly realized that my anus hasn’t been bleached in several months and the HOT hasn’t fully robbed me of my sense of social decorum and class.  It’s hard to be classy with an exposed, unbleached anus while dry humping the neighbors sprinkler.  The More You Know. (queue rainbow)

I haven’t run in heat like this since we wisely took a family trip to Florida last….AUGUST(?!?)  It feels like Florida moved to Michigan but it didn’t bring the palm trees, beaches, tourists in white rental cars, or frontier justice with it.  I don’t know how you hot weather state people do it.  I guess everyone acclimatizes?  I’ve noticed that my last few HOLY HUMID HELL runs have gone better than the first few.  By September, anything below 80 will probably feel like a break.

So, I’ll again do my exciting One Mile Time Trial summer series tomorrow, as planned.  I’ll hit 11-12 miles on Sunday in my ancestral homeland, as planned.  I’ll continue to do it all with or without my sweat glands…with or without an unevenly bleached anus.  I’ll do it all even if the community puts up Wanted posters for the "Sprinkler Rapist".  (It’s not my fault, they were asking for it.  They’re the ones that left the garage looking all cool and wet, amirite?  Maybe that’s the dehydration talking…)

I’ll keep staggering on in the HOLY HUMID HELL hot.  One of us will give out eventually. This is not a complaint but merely an observation.

I just wish I knew when I’ll get some relief from this heat??  Rob??  /fansselfsarcastically

Happy trails.

I make it a point to always be drunk by the time the nightly news comes on.  Coping mechanism for the news patter.

‘Member a long time ago – almost exactly three months in fact – when I told you that you shouldn’t be surprised if I disappeared suddenly at the end of each quarter?  Well, look at your calendar, it’s the end of June or, as we say in the biz, the “second quarter”.  See, if you had been paying attention to the minutiae of FMS  you wouldn’t have been gnashing your teeth and mumbling to yourself, “When is Nitmos going to post again?!?”  Lesson learned?  Let’s hope so.  Pay better attention.

Quick quiz:  What do you think is going to happen on this blog over the last two weeks of, say, September?


Xenia said...

So many visuals I didn't need. Thanks. Now I'm off to bleach my brain.

Redhead Running said...

Xenia beat me to what I was going to comment.

Also, having lived there, I can confirm this weather lately would certainly give FL a run for their money... so. hot. and. humid.

Drea said...

AHHAHAHA! I am gonna laugh all day at your sprinkler game. SNARK! I grew up in Houston- the arm pit of America- Humidity like a pound cake. I never got used to it. I just moved away after a 20 year sentence.

Jill said...

The last two weeks of September you'll be on the beginning of the 8-month long cold weather bitch fest.

Just yesterday I was running and I thought it "smelled" a little beachy and memories of Michigan summers on the beach flooded the head. Just drive to the Michigan coast, plant a palm tree, throw a little salt in that big body of water and whala - instant Florida! Enjoy!!

Viper said...

Just like Michigan to steal an Ohio saying. I've been waiting a lot of five minutes for today's more tolerable temperature. Cheers!

BrianFlash said...

"Wait five minutes - it'll change."

I'm pretty sure that everywhere in the US people use that tired expression. Well, maybe not San Diego.

Deb said...

What'll happen over the last two weeks of September? I'm not sure, but hopefully it will involve a good ol' fashioned anal bleaching.

Trent (Scott) Lorcher said...

It's 110 degrees in Vegas every damn day of summer (but it's a dry heat), so quit complaining you wussy Michiganders.

Char said...

Happy to be living on the other side of the world in the middle of a beautiful Brisbane winter. I was running at 6:30 this morning in a singlet and tights. I'd be happy if it was winter all year round.

Razz said...

OK, so I read this in Google Reader and though it was somebody else's blog.

Then I reread "unbleached anus" and realized who I was dealing with.

Danielle in Iowa in Seattle said...

If we are lucky, it might break 65 here today! Ah, "summer" in Ireland.