Friday, June 29, 2012

One Mile Time Trial: Act Four

Mmmm, taste the toxins!


Apparently, drinking from a garden hose is not recommended.  It contains lead.  Lots of lead.  Like, Chinese toys amount of lead.  When I was a wee lad, I drank from the garden hose all the time which may explain my severe social disorders and four testicles.  But those were the days when seat belts were optional and my brother and I took long family car trips while rolling around the back of the family station wagon.  Safety first!

So, if you have a kid (and you like them), please don't let them drink the lead water from a hose.  Neighbor kid?  Fine, go right ahead but not your kid. (source)

What does this have to do with my one mile time trial?  Nothing really but then again this isn't your blog.  Nothing, I guess, except that it's damn hot out and I'd drink all of the water from all of the Chinese garden hoses in...China if it meant moisture going INTO me rather than out.

It was in this 90 degree/50% humidity climate I decide to tackle my fourth in installment of this summer's One Mile Time Trial.  I can't ignore all of the emails I get asking - nay, DEMANDING! - it's return.  Clever how you guys keep sending me those emails pretending to be from a Canadian pharmacy or offering me Viagra at a discount rate just to trick me into opening it and reading your desperate pleas for another installment.  I don't even open them either because I get my Canadian pills and Viagra and enlargement pills (oh, yeah, those too) from a guy at my local gym.  Jokes.  On.  You.

A brief recap:  One mile = 4 laps at the track or 1600 meters.  It's formally called the One Mile Time Trial series after I rejected proposed titles such as Who Gives a Shit About 9 Meters? and After Running Four Laps, Thirty More Feet Don't Matter.  Those were too clunky.

Act one: 5:39
Act two: 5:38
Act three: 5:34

Today?  How 'bouts 5:26!

Definitely trending in the right direction.  I'm feeling my sluggish cardio starting to come back around.  Must have been all of the Canadian pills and garden hose water chasers.

I'll check back in late July with another installment of this edge-of-your-seat thriller series!

Until then, stay hydrated, the lead-free way.  If you have a rich relative with tenuous health, perhaps whip them up a batch of garden hose lemonade?  You aren't getting any younger.

Happy trails.


Running Through Phoenix said...

Huffington Post? An organization of lead drinkers for sure.

TCHusker - Nate said...


Char said...

Smoking fast. But I'm thinking that having four testicles may give you a slight testosterone advantage (aka the Caster Semenya effect). You may need to be drug tested.

Razz said...

yer fast. Must be something in the water.

See what I did there? I half-assedly read your post. Grabbed something from the beginning, scanned the bullets and made a funny.

Funny and good looking can be curses.

Viper said...

You're still over five minutes? Slacker.

Deb said...

I'm with Char - all those testicles are giving you a decidedly unfair advantage. A nice guy would spread the wealth, and pass out a teste here and there to his slower, less testicullarly endowed readers. But not you - freakin' selfish ball hog, that's what you are.

Oh, wait...It just occurred to me. I took both of Mr. Moose's testicles YEARS ago (just for safe keeping, mind you) but I'm STILL absurdly slow. What gives?

Elizabeth said...

Dang it! No wonder I have the IQ of a slug...I drink out of the garden hose all the time during the summer months when I don't feel like carrying a water bottle. I thought my biggest worry was swallowing an earwig. Nice mile repeat. The swing of the extra balls must provide you with a bit of forward momentum.

Danielle in Iowa in Seattle said...

Only four more months until you are sub-5! It works that way, right?