For the 500th Time...!

Alright, put a fork in me. I’m done. I’ve created 500 wondrous blog posts for you people. 500!?!? Congratulate me for my lameness. Seriously, is there anything more disappointing than realizing you’ve spent time writing 500 blog posts? I guess renting - then watching - the entire first season of Bosom Buddies comes close. (That was a long night…especially when the acid gives out after 4 episodes.)

That’s 500 times I had an opportunity to play a game with my kids, teach them a life lesson, listen to their hopes and dreams. That’s 500 opportunities I could have given Mrs. Nitmos a hug and a deep, soulful gaze with pleasantly moist, passionate kiss. That’s 500 chances to tell my family how proud I am of them. Instead, I have 500 examples of my childish, selfish and unbridled egomania. What’s that, hon, there is a bully at school? Can we talk tomorrow, Daddy needs to finish his thoughts on taint moles and then loosely connect that with running? Post your worries online…someone will help.

This post here is actually post #501. Let’s celebrate the start of the next 500 blog posts! (which can only end with my suicide.) I’m a bit disappointed that none of you eagle-eyed readers noticed that Friday’s post was #500. I have to point it out myself?!? I have a birthday coming up in a few weeks…just giving you some advance notice so I don’t have to throw out a "Happy Birthday to Me" on my own blog.

We’ve covered a lot of ground in 500 posts. All of them have been completely heartfelt, edifying, and spiritually uplifting. At least, the ones that didn’t involve metaphors about fruit falling from my anus or Rocko, the bethonged stud muffin. Truthfully, the number of posts that apply to running, running tips, race reports, running motivation or stories, instead of surreal tomfoolery, is somewhere in the neighborhood of 37. That’s 37 of 500, or .074%, which…NOT BAD! I actually thought I was pushing 98% non-running related content. Of course, a “post” is not an official “post”, per FMS policy, unless I’ve said something hurtful or derogatory so that may change the math a bit.

In honor of 500, I’m going to do another giveaway! The first person to have one of my posts – your choice – tattooed on their torso (photo evidence will be needed) will NOT be sued for copyright infringement!!! Enter away. Enter as often as you like. I’m giving you a one-time No Lawsuit pass. You may even tattoo your infant. After all, the growth will only cause an increase in font size but that text still should be legible!

I’m not going to recap my highlight, landmark blog posts for you. First, there’s too many to count. Second, they are all right there on the sidebar for you…I’ve put them in chronological order. And, third, I think you all know which one is the best. It’s the one where I refer to myself as handsome, rail against amateur coaches, and talk smack about Viper, Ian, and/or Razz. You know, that one.

Here’s to the start of the next 500! At this point, it makes no sense to reconnect with the family. You can’t walk into a movie halfway through and expect to ever catch up (unless it stars Jennifer Aniston and she’s trying to fall in love with someone). So, may as well pound away at the keyboard. We can celebrate post #1000 along with the graduation of my youngest kid, whatsername. And, don’t worry, I’ll continue to talk about my favorite subjects…running, racing, barefooting, “coaching”, llamas, orphanage robbery, and myself. Heck, I might even regale you with a story about the time I ate too many fudge stripe cookies…wait, am I repeating now...?

That’s an awful lot of lameness to commit to in the coming years but, the way I see it, I don’t have the worst of it.

Guess who’s reading these 500 posts?

Happy trails.