Tuesday, February 21, 2012

For the 500th Time...!

Alright, put a fork in me. I’m done. I’ve created 500 wondrous blog posts for you people. 500!?!? Congratulate me for my lameness. Seriously, is there anything more disappointing than realizing you’ve spent time writing 500 blog posts? I guess renting - then watching - the entire first season of Bosom Buddies comes close. (That was a long night…especially when the acid gives out after 4 episodes.)

That’s 500 times I had an opportunity to play a game with my kids, teach them a life lesson, listen to their hopes and dreams. That’s 500 opportunities I could have given Mrs. Nitmos a hug and a deep, soulful gaze with pleasantly moist, passionate kiss. That’s 500 chances to tell my family how proud I am of them. Instead, I have 500 examples of my childish, selfish and unbridled egomania. What’s that, hon, there is a bully at school? Can we talk tomorrow, Daddy needs to finish his thoughts on taint moles and then loosely connect that with running? Post your worries online…someone will help.

This post here is actually post #501. Let’s celebrate the start of the next 500 blog posts! (which can only end with my suicide.) I’m a bit disappointed that none of you eagle-eyed readers noticed that Friday’s post was #500. I have to point it out myself?!? I have a birthday coming up in a few weeks…just giving you some advance notice so I don’t have to throw out a "Happy Birthday to Me" on my own blog.

We’ve covered a lot of ground in 500 posts. All of them have been completely heartfelt, edifying, and spiritually uplifting. At least, the ones that didn’t involve metaphors about fruit falling from my anus or Rocko, the bethonged stud muffin. Truthfully, the number of posts that apply to running, running tips, race reports, running motivation or stories, instead of surreal tomfoolery, is somewhere in the neighborhood of 37. That’s 37 of 500, or .074%, which…NOT BAD! I actually thought I was pushing 98% non-running related content. Of course, a “post” is not an official “post”, per FMS policy, unless I’ve said something hurtful or derogatory so that may change the math a bit.

In honor of 500, I’m going to do another giveaway! The first person to have one of my posts – your choice – tattooed on their torso (photo evidence will be needed) will NOT be sued for copyright infringement!!! Enter away. Enter as often as you like. I’m giving you a one-time No Lawsuit pass. You may even tattoo your infant. After all, the growth will only cause an increase in font size but that text still should be legible!

I’m not going to recap my highlight, landmark blog posts for you. First, there’s too many to count. Second, they are all right there on the sidebar for you…I’ve put them in chronological order. And, third, I think you all know which one is the best. It’s the one where I refer to myself as handsome, rail against amateur coaches, and talk smack about Viper, Ian, and/or Razz. You know, that one.

Here’s to the start of the next 500! At this point, it makes no sense to reconnect with the family. You can’t walk into a movie halfway through and expect to ever catch up (unless it stars Jennifer Aniston and she’s trying to fall in love with someone). So, may as well pound away at the keyboard. We can celebrate post #1000 along with the graduation of my youngest kid, whatsername. And, don’t worry, I’ll continue to talk about my favorite subjects…running, racing, barefooting, “coaching”, llamas, orphanage robbery, and myself. Heck, I might even regale you with a story about the time I ate too many fudge stripe cookies…wait, am I repeating now...?

That’s an awful lot of lameness to commit to in the coming years but, the way I see it, I don’t have the worst of it.

Guess who’s reading these 500 posts?

Happy trails.

14 comments:

T said...

I own the first season of Bosom Buddies.

Jamoosh said...

I am wondering aloud - much to the dismay and confusion of the people around me - what the outcome would have been if you had dedicated more time to the Summer of Speed (yeah, like we were going to forget that) and less time to blogging. Would we have all been better or worse for it...

Yo Momma Runs said...

Holy jeez, that was funny. I just started reading at post 478 or so, but I'm glad you're going with the ignore-reality, embrace-the-interweb plan for at least 499 more posts so I don't have to dig in the archives for reading material. Nobody wants to read about somebody who is cuddling with their kids, reading them books and feeding them three meals daily (and sometimes gives them snacks).

Lily on the Road said...

Oh and NOW I have to have a Llama tattoo?

Sun Runner said...

I have two tattoos of deer on my shoulder blades. Does that count? Hoofed mammals are all the same.

Viper said...

I'm honored to be mentioned in such a milestone post, but can we just skip to the end? We're all rooting for the llama, here. Cheers!

Xenia said...

I have the inexplicable urge to have your face in profile tattooed on one butt cheek and a llama's face on the other so it looks like you're kissing each other...and also my bunghole.

Now I have to vomit. Laters.

Deb said...

I was going to congratulate you on your 501st post, and tell you that I look forward to many, many more but then Xenia had to go and write "bunghole" and now I'm totally distracted/disturbed/delighted. Who knew they even HAD bungholes abroad?

Beth (i run like a girl) said...

Congratulations on your...
er...
accomplishment?

Ironman By Thirty said...

"Is there anything more disappointing than realizing you’ve spent time writing 500 blog posts?"

What about reading 500 blog posts??? Thankfully I'm not crazy enough to have been a reader since the beginning. Hopefully I am smart enough to bail before you you get to 1000.

Check your math there... 37/500 = .074 = 7.4%

Hopefully Mrs. Nitmos handles the bill paying and taxes at your household.

Congrats I guess.

Trent (Scott) Lorcher said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Trent (Scott) Lorcher said...

I've already tattooed three of your posts on my right buttock (it's big). Does that qualify for the contest?

Elizabeth said...

Congratulations on 501!! I will look forward to the next 501. Well, maybe not. But the implication is there.

The Sean said...

I knew you'd post about it yourself, didn't want to steal any thunder.