Friday, December 03, 2010

Where Did Arm Wrestling Go?

This is another in my landmark nostalgic series about things we have lost in this country over time. The U.S. of A. may have forgotten them but good ole Nitmos hasn’t. See also: Devil’s Night.

I love confrontation. I love competition. I love alcohol-fueled barroom bravado by testosterone pumped muscle heads. These things make me the perfect target audience for the great lost sport: Arm wrestling.

2 arms + 1 tabletop + 1 macho dispute = 1 terrific arm wrestling match.

Fuck calculus. That right there is the world’s greatest equation.

Stallone made a whole movie about arm wrestling! Look at the poster. Is there anything that says “America: Fuck Yeah!” more than that?!

I see a strong man (never mind the awkward arm snuggie)! I see an 18 wheeler! I see lots of rigid, masculine, angular font! And is that a hawk? Damn right it is! Stallone’s character is named ‘Lincoln Hawk’. I guess Eagle Washington was too ‘over the top’. (So, it’s missing a fifth of Jack Daniels and a bikini-clad chick. You can’t have everything.)

OK, so Over The Top was a shallow, plotless rip off of the everyman-overcomes-odds-to-win crowd-pleaser Stallone made famous in the Rocky series. But here’s something it had that Rocky didn’t have: Arm wrestling. (Really? I had to tell you this?)

1 movie + arm wrestling + semi trucks + 1 Stallone = The Best Arm Wrestling move of 1987!

Fuck Pythagoras and his theorem. That right there is the world’s second greatest equation.

There’s something to be said for settling disputes concisely and instantaneously man-a-mano style. If someone cuts you off while driving, you flip them off then motion to the side of the road. Hop out, arm wrestle, go about your day. * Your work colleague tells the boss that the project failed due to your incessant lifting of hand weights. You confront him, find a table, and get to the bottom of things.

Really, it’s the perfect solution to almost all of life’s troubles. Ask yourself: What couldn’t I solve with a simple arm wrestling match? It’s why I recommend this solution to all my friends and family and you should too. The only thing required is a tabletop and they’re readily available. You supply the arms and dispute.

I mean, look how much fun these guys are having settling their issue. You wouldn’t know it…but the guy on the right with the awesome beard killed the other guy’s dog for fun. In a few short seconds, it’ll all be behind them.

Whenever an issue comes up with Mrs. Nitmos, we settle it the old fashioned way: by drinking a lot of whiskey and then arm wrestling, just like our forefathers. Sometimes we even turn it into leg wrestling. But I don’t recommend leg wrestling with strangers. It gets…weird.

I hope you’ll do your part to bring arm wrestling back to the fore of America’s – heck, the WORLD’S – collective consciousness. If not, I’ll be sitting at a local bar drinking whiskey, with an empty chair, and waiting for you behind my perfectly level tabletop. Bring the arm. Call for directions.

Happy trails.

*I realize this would require a bunch of tables to be erected at intersections all across America. Doesn’t this partially solve the jobless problem in this country? Well worth it.

I’ve made my first 2011 selection. It’s a spring lady. The 2011 Bayshore Half Marathon goes on the board. Bayshore is a familiar race for me you long time F.M.S.ers will notice. This will complete my Bayshore races medal collection and, if all goes as it should, qualify me for auto-entry into NY 2012.


Sun Runner said...

That looks like a pigeon on the poster to me.

I hope you registered for the Bayshore half on December 1, because it's full already.

Viper said...

That guy is having a lot of fun watching those noodle-armed guys. As long as I'm not involved, I'm all for more arm wrestling. (I wouldn't want someone calling me noodle-armed.) Cheers!

middleagedrunner said...

HAHAHA! Yes, eagles, arm snuggies and Stallone- things just don't get any more macho, manly and fantastic than that.

Nick said...

You forgot about the guy that drinks motor oil and how Stalone's cap is like a switch.

I wish I had a hat like that for some of my races!! Or even to turn the ladies on. ya know.....

Me: Hey baby!

The girls: Get lost loser!

Me: (turns hat)

The girls: Oh damn honey can I have some of that?

PS. Is it funny my word verification has the word arm in it?

Vava said...

I've just started a new weight training regimen consisting solely of biceps curls. Both arms (just in case).

The Sean said...

it's a shame this is not an Olympic event... I guess it would make the other sports feel inferior.

JojaJogger said...

This is weird, right now I'm at 36,000 feet surrounded by men and women arm wrestlers from Brazil traveling to Nevada for some kind of tournament. They don't look so tough to me ;)

Robin said...

The only thing worse than Stallone making this movie is that there is actually a soundtrack to it ... That's weird. Leg wrestling is so much more better.

Anne said...

Of course, the day I have time to read blogs, you write about arm wrestling...such a guy :)

Oh wait, a little below we have Full Nipple Erectus...much better!

You do make me laugh, no matter what the topic...Happy running!

Lauren said...

Hehe cute entry! I've never won an arm wrestling challenge in my life so I try to stay away from it :D

Julie said...

I just happen to be a great arm wrestler....when I arm wrestle other women anyway:) It has been a long time....but you have to trust me on this one. I was blessed with my mother's pipes. I wonder if I could win against my 15 year old daughter....she has my arms. Hmmm, I think I see a match coming up real soon:)

I agree with Anne, you are such a guy! I am not saying that is a bad thing. Thanks for making me smile this morning:)

The Merry said...

I have to fall in with the majority distaff opinion that you are a guy. Not that there's anything wrong with that most of the time.

And it does resemble a pigeon rather than a hawk. Was Stallone afraid someone would confuse him with Walter Pigeon? Stranger things have happened, especially in Hollywood.

Stuart said...

I didn't know you grew a beard?!?

Elizabeth said...

ok now you have me singing the "America, Fuck Yeah!" song. best song ever.

B.o.B. said...

While I love that movie we runners don't typically don't fare too well in the arm wrestling (T-Rex arms and what not). However, leg wrestling would be much better suited to us. And I do love weird. Do I smell sequel?

Adam Culp (Crazy Floridian) said...

Where is the modern day action hero? Stallone, Arnold, ant others are not pumping out movies anymore. Reality crap just isn't as motivational.

Maybe we can get Vin Diesel or The Rock to do it!?!

Ace said...

over the top ftw!
I model my running philosophy after this movie.

"I drive truck, break arms, and arm wrestle. It's what I love to do, it's what I do best."

Works well in 5ks...

Danielle in Iowa in Seattle said...

Arm wrestling! Of course! Why didn't GW just arm wrestle Sadaam? Think of all the money this country would have! We could all roll around in it!

Adam said...

That looks like on of sly's pre mainstream movies (read porn). Nothing like a little Italian stalion in the morning