Tuesday, December 29, 2009

The Gift of Unrestrained Violence

I didn’t have time to create another classic holiday themed, Nitmos related Christmas song for you folks like I did last year. I’m sure you went ahead and did one on your own this year right? Right? Maybe “Nitmos the Runman” or “Nitmos is Runnin’ to Town” or “Silent Nitmos”? The last one would be the most appropriate. Things have been silent around here lately. I won’t make excuses. Let’s just agree that you’re to blame and move on.

I’ve spent the last two weeks in a wine-addled state of semi-consciousness. This time of year, rum is my usual intoxicant of choice. I find it goes with everything – particularly well with black outs. Not sure why but I got a taste for the grapes awhile back and I’ve been dumping Merlots and Cabernets and Chiantis done my gullet like a dehydrated marathoner. If they made wine flavored Gu CHOMPS, I believe I’d eat those too. Mrs. Nitmos made me agree to stop using up our mini Solo cups by pouring a dozen or so an inch full of J. Lohr Cabernet and, every trip into the kitchen, throwing one back down my throat and the other over my head, crinkling both cups, and tossing them onto the floor for the volunteers* to pick up.

Winos are funny. Who didn’t think Grady from Sanford and Son was hilarious? Good Goobley Goo! I remember him rubbing the booze onto his gums with his finger when he could only get a drop from the bottle. What a lush! But, let me tell you, it works. Swab the inside of that nearly dry bottle of Dynamite Merlot with your index finger and brush those last few drops onto your gums. Grady was a wise, wise man.

As the days have turned to weeks and different flavored aromatic bottles have passed by my lips, I have had time to consider my place in life. Literally, I believe I’m one foreclosure notice and used appliance box away from being officially labeled a wino. Instead, I’m just the eccentric dude that never leaves his house except to scuffle across the street in slippers to retrieve the mail. Or run.

Last evening I was about 3 glasses into a Cabernet as I surveyed the wreckage of my living room following another Christmas day: toys still in their packaging, remains of wrapping paper tucked into corners, empty wine bottles turned into pencil holders by the kids. My filly was playing with some iCarly figurines Santa had brought her. Their heads are interchangeable with the bodies so that the girls can wear different outfits. Only, the toy came with four torsos but only two heads. Quickly, my filly turned this into a decapitation/zombie game in which the headless torsos starting coming after the iCarly’s with heads and ripping them from their torsos.

Then, my unfocused eyes moved over to my colt busy playing a PS3 game on the TV. He received the new Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 game. He’s only (nearly) 12 but apparently Santa thought he could handle the mature subject matter. Between vino gulps, I watched as he gleefully shot up an airport full of civilians, throwing grenades, shooting up luggage, pumping a few extra rounds into an already bullet riddled corpse. Later, he called in an air strike on a Burger Town restaurant.

Watching my kids act out violence with their Christmas playthings as I drifted into a alcohol-induced haze, I couldn't have been prouder. This is what fathering is all about.

Santa is funny. In this time of peace and joy and goodwill towards men, he brought my house the gift of unrestrained violence. I’m not a pacifist but neither am I a war hawk. If this was the 60’s, I’d probably be at the flower power demonstrations but I wouldn’t be placing daisies into the barrels of rifles. I’d be there for the party only, listening to music, layering venereal diseases, and verbally condemning The Man, man. Fortunately, one of my strongest character traits is disassociation. While leaning towards peacenikery, I can simultaneously celebrate my colt’s successful destruction of a burger joint with a high five. Watching my filly’s headless figurines haunt the headfull, I’m merely reminded of the guillotine in A Tale of Two Cities. Disassociation: It’s what I do best.

My orgy of Roman-themed grape swilling will be coming to an end soon. Some friends will be coming by to raise some glasses, rat-a-tat a few unfriendlies with a thermal scope assault rifle, and welcome in 2010 on NYE. After New Year’s, I’ll leave the wine behind and return to being the modest, lovable, non-wino Nitmos you all revere.

Until then, Happy New Year! I will drink a toast to each person who comments!**

*Apparently, the “volunteers” aren’t quite as volunteery as I thought. Plus, I’ve never had an actual race volunteer call me a “stupid, drunk, sonofabitch.” As far as I know.
** Oh, who am I kidding? I’ll be drinking whether you comment or not. Frankly, you've all received about a half dozen toasts each by now anyhow.

14 comments:

theloosemoose said...

FIRST! I am absurdly proud/horrified that your first toast will be to me. My drink of choice is Red Cat, only because it tastes like Kool Aid and costs $11 for the ginormous "Oh my God, I am a nasty drunken sot and now I have to drink the whole entire bottle because it's too tall to fit in the fridge" bottle.

My moose calf has that same video game. He and the Mr. Moose are playing it right now and I can hear the death and carnage from here. Good times...

X-Country2 said...

Ladies and gentleman! Your 2009 Father of the Year!!

Morgan said...

LMAO at X-Country2's comment! So true... so true!

As for my toast I will let you choose your vino of choice as I am a fru-fru white wine drinker myself. Cheers!

Jess said...

Hahaha at XC2! Sounds like you're really enjoying the holidays!

Razz said...

You keep giving till it hurts, don't you?

Aka Alice said...

At least it appears that the wine you swill comes from a bottle and not a box :-).

My (almost 12) year old son LOVES Call of Duty. I think it sounds like a euphemism for "Seeing a man about a horse."

Happy New Year Nitmos!

Al's CL Reviews said...

Happy New Year!

Try ChocoVino for a new low. Red wine mixed with faux nestle. It is ~$12.

Adam said...

Does that make me more or less mature that modern warfare was on my list to? Your Santa rocks. Mine must have hit the corn wiskey or something

Maureen said...

Your post is hilarious! I bought my boyfriend Mario for his Wii. He has two brothers and committed his own personal violence towards them in his younger years so I figured a more mellow game would be best. Plus, who doesn't love Mario?! I know I do! Happy New Year!

Richard said...

Happy New Year! I prefer Keg stands!

Running and living said...

My 4 y old has a way of turning all his toys into violence. I blame it on too much you tube watching. Rum IS the drink for this time of year. Why the switch?

BrianFlash said...

Instead of letting the kids play video games (too young), I warp my own mind with Fallout 3...

Velma said...

I agree with my fellow St. Louis running Brian - drink and play violent video games - take over the fun stuff from the kids. Happy New Year!

Jessica said...

Another perfect example of why we still need you blogging. Funny stuff. Cheers! And pick up some Trio from Costco, thank me later! Jess