Wednesday, February 01, 2012

YakTrax for Two!

The free YakTrax contest is over. Deb, Mindy, and KMR, you can stop entering now. I’m glad you three – though special commendation to Deb and Mindy in particular for their dogged determination – understood that each entry only increased your odds of winning. This is something you other pinheads didn’t seem to understand. It’s a real testament to these folks lack of employment, hobbies, family, and general interest in ‘other things’ that they could continue to enter so often. I don’t make judgments around here. Feel free to spend your time however you choose…even if it is through the pursuit of a not-very-expensive free item.

I once had a couple spend 15 minutes trying to talk me down from 50 cents to a quarter for a Jell-o mold at a garage sale. I wouldn’t budge…on principle. I would have just given it to them if they asked nicely but they came at me so obviously intent on “winning” a price bickering contest that I dug my heels in and refused to budge. They walked. I believe I ended up throwing the Jell-o mold in the garbage afterwards and felt incredibly good about that. So, as you can see, there is within me a sick, twisted part that would find it absolutely hilarious if, after all the time commenting, Deb, Mindy, or KMR didn’t win.

But I had to be fair. I used’s random number generator. I’m afraid I couldn’t capture the results photo. I know it can be done – seen it before – but I wasn’t able to do it before I lost the result. You’ll just have to trust me on this one. I know you expect high moral standards around here so you’ll take me at my word. The random generator pronounced the winner as comment #48 (range 1-59), which was actually a response to someone else’s comment but still counts:

Deb said...
Xenia,You ROCK!!!! And for the record, I would never shank you...hamstring you, maybe, to rip the Yak Trax off of you in a more benign manner, but NEVER shank you. You once gave me a map to find the tastiest gelato in all of Rome, therefore you are NOT on my shank list!!!!
Wed Feb 01, 06:58:00 AM

DEB, YOU WIN!! Your total lack of ambition or any other hobbies paid off!! Email me your shipping info and I’ll get you hooked up with the YakTrax folk. See sidebar for email address.

But, I promised TWO YakTraks to giveaway and two it shall be. For the second one, I vowed to select the most creative answer to the following question:

If you could embezzle money from a charity and never get caught, which charity would it be and why?

What I didn’t tell you (though hinted at in yesterday’s post) is that there was actually a correct answer that would have guaranteed you the win if you entered it. Sarah McLachlan’s television campaign for the ASPCA (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) features a rotating bunch of animals - dogs mainly – that have been abused to a background of sad music. It’s a real heartstrings tugger. One dog seems to have a messed up eye. All you had to do was say something along the lines of “I would steal from the ASPCA, use the money to buy a stick, and use that stick to beat the dog in the other eye.”* =WINNER!

Though no one entered that, there were quite a few solid suggestions as well as a little socio-political brouhaha that started up, apologies, and general drama. Exactly what I was hoping for. I would have liked to have seen even more clever ways to screw a charity but I understand most of you aren’t like me. Every community of assholes needs a chief. I’m Chief Asshole…you are all just little taints.

Despite that, there was one terrific entry. It combined mean-spiritedness and humor to make a cocktail of snark which fit perfectly with the theme:

Xenia said...
I'm going to hell for even thinking this. I'd embezzle from an alzheimer's
charity because god knows they wouldn't remember it afterward.

Ticket to hell in hand!

XENIA, YOU WIN! I think you even discouraged others from trying. There’s truly nothing funnier than poking fun at someone’s life-threatening and seriously debilitating disease. Way to go! You should be proud of yourself. Better use them on mortal coil because you ain't gonna find much use for them where you're going afterwards. Email me your shipping address.

If only I had more YakTrax to give away…Oh, well, until next time!

Happy Yaking.

*I don’t condone animal abuse except in cases of rape or incest…wait, what are we talking about? In other words, don’t kick your dogs. That's mean. Kick your cat.


Mike said...

I'm surprised you didn't mention that the ASPCA animals look much sadder because they're filmed in slow motion.

Mindy said...

I guess I can't get that puppy after all. I'll go tell the kids...

Congrats to the victors!

Mindy said...

Oh, and I believe you that you didn't cheat. There is no way you would have turned down my husband with your name shaved in his back hair.

C said...

Mindy--I could be persuaded to give Nitmos a different address and shoe size. Message me....and hurry.

Nitmos--I'll get in touch tomorrow. I'm currently in a food coma and not fit to dispense vital information.

Elizabeth said...

well, I am disappointed. But not surprised. Guess it's true that brains and effort can go a long of which I don't have and the other of which I am too lazy to put forth. Winners, enjoy not wiping out in the ice...*sniff, sniff* WAHHHHHH :-(

Deb said...

YAY!!!!!!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!! And how pathetic is it that this is pretty much the most exciting thing to ever happen to me? It was TOTALLY worth ignoring my family, neglecting my personal hygiene, shunning all housework and calling in sick. YES!

PS: And if my calculations are correct, I'll be getting TWO sets. :) That's because Xenia bequeathed me hers should she win. Now I can wear the spare pair on my hands and run on all fours! I can wave to Mindy and taunt her with my sheer surplus of Yak Trax. And neither Mindy nor Xenia will dare to complain, because they'll be afraid of being shanked and/or hamstringed. WINNING!!!!!!!!

Char said...

Love Xenia's answer. It made me ponder who I would embezzle from. I'm basically a pretty honest person so I think I'd choose the Deaf Society because I could tell them I was taking their money and feel less guilty about it. I'd have to e careful who I told, though - certainly not anyone who could lip-read.

Trent (Scott) Lorcher said...


That's funny.

This entire blog is just about the most valuable thing on the Internet. Hands down.