Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Sky is Falling

Mother Nature is pissed.

Despite what you all think, my ego isn’t so large that I believe the sun actually revolves around me. Of course not. There’s no way I have that type of magnetic pull. Sure, I have heaps of “animal magnetism”* for the pure, raw sexuality I exude but that’s not the same as celestial magnetism. At best, the sun looks over its shoulder at me for general directional queues. But revolve around me? Ridiculous!

That being said, I don’t think Mother Nature approves of all the anti-tree talk on this blog these days. I make a harmless little remark about an Oak tree being a poor parent….followed by a lengthier discussion about the gleeful amputation of tree limbs and next thing you know this appears on the Associated Press wire…

Tree Branch Kills Philadelphia Jogger

PHILADELPHIA (Aug. 6) -- A woman jogging in a Philadelphia park has been
killed by a falling tree branch just days after a similar incident in New York's
Central Park left a man comatose.

Police say it was a freak accident that killed the woman Wednesday
evening in Fairmount Park, one of the biggest parks in the world.

Chief Inspector Scott Small says a 30-foot-long branch fell on the
woman from 50 feet above. He says she was killed instantly.

Police say it's possible the unidentified woman didn't hear the branch
breaking because she was wearing a portable music player, which was still
playing when they arrived.

On July 29, a Manhattan computer engineer walking to work through
Central Park was hit on the head by a 100-pound rotted tree branch. His mother
said over the weekend he was getting better.

Everyone look out, the trees are attacking runners! (Note to AP, we don't go by "joggers.") Not only do we have to keep an eye out for pot holes, for bees, dogs, and sharks, now we need to start looking…up? The hell? As a runner, the one thing I’ve always taken for granted is that the tree limbs will remain suspended in air above me as I pass underneath and now, no more? A moisture wicking hard helmet may just become the new runner’s fashion rage.

Consider yourself forewarned. Ever since reading this article, I’ve returned from all of my runs with a bad case of taco neck. I’m craning my head up and down the entire way as if I’m watching a vertical tennis match. No potholes down here; No tree limbs falling up there. And repeat. The biggest mortality concern for a runner has always been heart issues not falling lumber. Let’s face it, death by tree should be an occupational hazard exclusive to tree barbers and homeless park squatters.

I apologize for this whole thing. I don’t know how long Mother Nature will rage. I remember a few years ago I made a similar crack about the wimpy midget waves rolling in from the ocean and then – BOOM! - hurricane Katrina.

Take care to look up when you run as well as straight ahead and down. I don’t want to see any of you on the next episode of When Trees Attack.

Like Katrina, this too shall pass. Then, we can try to figure out why the rainstorms this year have been so particularly weak. I’d hardly even call it “rain.” More like a “cooling mist.” I make harder rain when I spit on the sidewalk…

Happy trails.

* Judging by the number of people that call me animal names such as “jackass” and “pussy” (cat – implied), and “shit for brains” (some form of sheep?), I must have tons of animal magnetism. (Though, for the life of me, I can’t figure out what phylum “butt muncher” belongs to?)

Fast Feedback from recent posts:

I did not attend my 20 year reunion. I do not regret it.

Some of you tried to correct my quote from the 5k race report about dividing a race into three parts and running the first with your head, then personality, then heart. Seems some of you thought the second one should be "legs." The actual quote - from Mike Fanelli - exists here (#23 along with some other good ones) so you can judge for yourself. Scoreboard= Me 1, You 0.

However, none of you - except one lonesome emailer - bothered to point out that James Dean wasn't the one who famously uttered "whaddya got?" in response to "What are you rebelling against, Johnny?" It was Marlon Brando from The Wild One. If I can't count on you people to edit me, we are really in trouble here. Step your game up! Scoreboard= Me 1, You 0, One Emailer with a Shape Eye 1.

Hot and sticky 7 miles (neutered down from a planned 10) on Sunday due to the humidity. Kept on pace but paid for it with sweat. Literally. 7 miles @ 7:02 pace. Tonight, 5x800 below 2:50 pace.


Razz said...

celestial magnetism and phylum? Impressive.

C said...

Maybe we are living in LOTR. Does that make you an orc?

Btw, I assume your emailer has a sharp eye, not a shape eye.

B.o.B. said...

The trees be pissed. Also I referred to you as a cat today in my blog. Coincidence?

Taco neck made me laugh out loud!

The Sean said...

funny stuff nitmos. (but no laughing matter of course!)

Is it wrong to wonder song was playing on the woman's Ipod when the authorities arrived?

Ian said...

I agree with Raz. Did you get a new thesaurus?

David said...

Um, you need to get your basic physics right - it would be your gravity that caused the sun to revolve around you - I suspect the cheeto layer is involved. Of course, if animals of all kinds (including llamas, especially llamas) are accelerating toward you, I suppose that could be evidence of animal magnetism. Is that phenomena described in Michigan science textbooks?

Anonymous said...

Perhaps it's not the comments you make, but the lack of animal sacrifice. The Gods must be appeased.

X-Country2 said...

Someone found the shift+F7 key!

The Boring Runner said...

Taco neck? Is this some sort of condition that occurs from the massive intake of tacos similar to the beer gut?

Anonymous said...

just what i needed - another fear to add to my laundry list of fears. Thanks a LOT.

Lauren said...

That's the thing about hurricanes. They suck, but they sure take care of all those weak limbs at once. No pruning or limb watching necessary here. They do leave a lot of potholes, though.

Lily on the Road said...

Oh Good one ~ "sharp" eye

Xenia 1 Nitmos 0

...I thought it was my macular degeneration causing me to misread the glaring TYPO!

B. Kramer said...

I think we can all Google obscure websites to back up our bullshit claims. Or did you use Bing?

Robin said...

If we're going to be called joggers, I would at least like to say it with a Ron Burgundy accent!

Katie said...

Jogger is an insult!! I'm running the CCRR 1/2 as well!

FinnyKnits said...

It appears they've gotten trees in on the master plan to ban iPods.

Bastard traitors. And to think we're supposed to hug them? Unh-uh.

Aron said...

I did a post on safety last year because my friend was running and then had a tree branch fall right in front of her... when I saw this article on someones blog it freaked me out!! scary.