In case you missed that, I called you a turkey.
So now that the holiday greetings are out of the way, on with the show. I’m sure there’s some sort of technical literary term for the device I’m about to use. I wouldn’t know and I’m not going to Google it either. I’m sure one of you Brainiac Bobs or Smart Sallys will have an answer for me though. Basically, I like to celebrate all of my holidays by writing nonsensical lists to the first letter of the holiday greeting. It’s tedious but my therapist tells me it helps mollify my crippling seasonal depression.
To the bolded, vertical greeting HAPPY THANKSGIVING, I have listed things I am thankful for and happy to have in my life. These came naturally. In no way whatsoever did I forcibly rephrase anything to make it line up with a particular letter.
Here’s one turkey with one keyboard’s list:
Asswipe Johnson (pronounced ‘os-wee-pay’) from the old SNL sketch.
Pancreas, “the underrated organ”
Yearnings for life left to live, challenges to face and conquer, and butter
Kicking ass and taking names Nitmos style (or, b.a.u.)
Indigestion and its natural side effects (i.e. farts)
Videos of babies laughing (not really but sounds better than “vicious animal attacks”)
Indecent exposure charges/difficulty to prosecute
Ninjas, again, obviously
Gang Nitmos including the Mrs., colt and filly (and our little dog Bella, too)
As you stuff your face tomorrow, some of you should keep in mind that you’ll have to run that much more in the days ahead to work off the holiday gluttony. Not me. I have no race to run. Instead, I’m going to eat. Eat some more. Eat a little more. Probably gag out some mashed potatoes and cole slaw discreetly into a napkin. Wait 10 minutes and then eat some more. After a few trips around the dessert table, I’ll waddle over to the couch to watch the Lions lose their annual Thanksgiving day game while I try to push some escaping M&M’s off my chin and back into my mouth before my head falls back asleep over the back of the couch. The little buggers always keep falling out with each chew of my food encrusted jowls..
Before long, fast asleep with chocolate spittle running out of the corners of my mouth, my body calls in reinforcement enzymes to process the food through my system. At some point, I’ll be awakened by the combo belch/fart that snaps my head back from back of the couch into a dazed, lip licking consciousness. Dogs will bark from the sudden noise. My eyes will wander back to the dessert table as I take a quick internal analysis to determine, like a game of food Tetris, if I have enough room now to work in that Apple pie wedge.
Yes, it will be a wonderful Thanksgiving. It may start vertically but it’ll end horizontally in a triptophanic bugaloo.
I hope you enjoy yours. I apologize for the “turkey” crack. This isn’t the time or place for that. I’ll call you all that AFTER Thanksgiving. I have class.
Have a great Turkey day!
Note: Episode 3 of the Runner's Lounge LoungeCast is now up and available. Prepare to be audibly tickled by me. There are some others on here I think as well (maybe RazZ, Vanilla, and Amy to be exact.)
Go here (or see the moderator RazZ's announcement here) and download the podcast. I promise you'll derive no motivation, barely laugh, and wonder why you wasted 45 minutes. 100% guaranteed!